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Commitment 6. – Responsibility

I commit to taking full responsibility for my life. No one is responsible for my situation and my life except me. I commit to no more blaming and no more playing the victim I therefore commit to knowing what I want and finding and living my purpose.

If you an adult man and you are blaming or acting like a victim, knock it off. It’s time to grow yourself up!

Moving beyond blame and victim takes you out of a defensive, reactive state where you are in the passenger seat, and puts you back in the state of action, leadership and performance where you are back in the driver’s seat.

We cannot give ourselves fully when we are “in reaction” to the world. When we are in survival mode, our nervous system is out of balance and all of our energy goes to maintenance and management of our reaction. We then have little left over for skillful, well-intentioned action toward our purpose.

It requires tremendous energy to live in survival mode. If you are depressed, anxious, depleted, unhappy and highly stressed out, chances are you are in survival mode. Chances are that you are in “poor me” and you are playing the victim.

A powerful man is not a victim and does not blame others for his circumstances.

That said, we are all victims and we all blame. We have all been hurt and victimized. Some of us have been abused, shamed, shut down, molested, screwed over, betrayed, taken advantage of, and shit on.

In those moments when these terrible things happened to us, we were a victim. It is critical to identify as a victim in that moment because it is true in that moment.

But later on, it can become part of our story and our mask that we wear. It is important to say something like “I was a victim then, but I am not a victim now.” Identify, then disitentify.

After the fact, pointing fingers does little to resolve what you are now sitting with.

Seeking revenge is the shallow man’s path. Because you repeat the cycle of violence done to you. You then become the perpetrator and make someone else the victim. The way out? Relationship aikido, compassion and taking full responsibility.

For example, let’s say you were physically abused as a kid when you were 8 years old. You were hurt by bigger, stronger, older people who had control over you. You were helpless to defend yourself. You were a victim of abuse then and powerless to defend yourself.

In middle school, you were bullied by other kids. Other kids took advantage of you that were bigger, stronger and older than you. You were a victim of verbal and physical abuse. You were powerless to defend yourself.

But as you grew up, you became bigger, stronger and of course, older. You now have power you didn’t have back then. You have internal and external resources you lacked earlier in life.

Let’s say you are now 35 and work in a decent job. You’re in a challenged marriage and have financial stress. You begin to blame your wife and your job situation for how you feel.

So, as an adult, when things don’t go your way or you feel picked on by life, in your marriage, your job or your situation. You  begin to act like you acted back then. You feel hurt, taken advantage, not validated, unsupported and maybe even abused.

Why does this happen? Why do you begin to play the victim? Your current life is triggering old feelings from when you were a boy. If you never developed your emotional maturity, as most men do not, you will begin to act like a boy.

The one area you lacked to develop then, is your inner strength and inner psychology.

Instead of taking full responsibility for your life and your choices as an adult man, you act and react like a victim. You blame. You lash out. You point fingers.

But remember, you have resources now you didn’t have back then, right?

So, as with any commitment, this is a practice. By practicing not being a victim I take the seat of leadership. I can take charge of my life and I don’t blame others for anything.

Blame is a copout.

Signs that you are in victim or blame:

• You believe that it’s someone else’s fault
• You feel defensive and reactive
• You feel self-righteous about your story
• You convince others to take your side
• You spend a great deal of time building your case as to why you are right and someone else is wrong.
• You judge
• You resent
• Your heart is closed
• You have an excuse as to why you are not moving forward
• You believe your excuses
• You feel alone
• You feel misunderstood
• You are unwilling to take responsibility

How do I move out of victim and blaming?

*****Take full responsibility and use relationship aikido.

But, what does this look like? When someone hurts you, own that you are hurt, feel it fully and move on.

Try this practice:

1. Notice the desire to lash out, judge, and point fingers.
2. Own that you really want to lash out, judge and hurt them back.
3. Drop the story.
4. Breathe and sit with the thoughts, feelings and body sensations associated with it.
5. Feel everything fully.
6. Move on.

***Remember that it can be helpful to fully identify as a victim, feel it fully and then dis-identify. Repeat above practice.

****If you are not happy with your life, commit to doing something about it today.

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