Men's Coaching, Men's Work and Personal Development Tools & Resources for Smart, Evolving Men

How can the most successful, famous, money-winning golfer in history be such a mess when it comes to his personal life?

Easy.

He, like you and me, is human. And it just goes to demonstrate that you can have all the money in the world and be famous beyond belief and still have many, many issues that you would rather no one know about. Tiger Woods having one or more affairs behind his wife’s back is no surprise.

From John Edwards to Martin Luther King Jr, no one is above relationship challenges.  No one is above the human condition. That’s the good news for all you men out there who think you can act perfect and hide your issues.

If you are in a long term relationship or married, you realize that challenge is simply part of the terrain. You also realize that if you want a dynamic relationship, you must face the challenges and invite change. If you have kids you know that challenges increase and change is even more inevitable. Any new father knows that life becomes radically different when a child enters the equation.

As a new Dad, I personally have faced some big challenges such as sleepless nights, money issues, and the onslaught of soiled diapers. But as a new parent, the biggest of challenges have come in my relationship with myself and with my wife.

My wife and I work very hard on our relationship and are committed to evolving and growing. Our marriage vows serve our individual needs and aspirations toward this unfolding process. Why? So, we don’t slip into a comfortable, mediocre, business relationship where we just co-parent and act like roommates.

The roommate trap

While I doubt Tiger Woods fell into being “roommates” with his partner due to his rigorous schedule, I’m sure they fell into some dynamic that allowed both of them to avoid their connection and whatever was “in the way” of them getting real and getting honest.

Men who do not attend rigorously to their marriage will eventually settle into a complacent relationship wherein both parties stop growing and agree to play it safe.

Add a new kid into the family, and the temptation to put your relationship on the back-burner steadily grows. A new child is very demanding and needs full attention from one or both parents. But to use my kid as the reason I am not close with my wife is a cop out. If a couple continues to use this excuse, the gap between them will continue to widen.

I recently read a great article in the New York Times about a couple, with two young kids, who finally decided after nine years of “good” marriage to deepen and make it better by going to therapy and workshops. The wife had sensed much more was possible. The husband was pretty ambivalent at first but went along with it.

In their “good” relationship, the husband focused all his attention on becoming a master chef at home, spending hours and hours in the kitchen while the wife tended to the bills and kids. They didn’t outwardly agree to this, it just happened over time. As the husband got honest, he realized cooking was his way to avoid his wife, their intimacy, and his own discomfort in the marriage. She discovered she was avoiding also by attending to her “role.”

They also discovered that the way they related was serving a function– their sarcasm with one another was “protecting uncomfortable feelings” and stifling their intimacy.

It seems commonplace that over time, new parents unconsciously and quietly agree to be co-parents, pals, and roomies, thus staving off any juicy intimacy that might be possible otherwise. The classic example that is still quite common is that Dad settles into “worker, provider guy” and Mom settles into stay-at-home-Mom.

Within and beyond your roles, how good is your marriage really? Ask yourself what kind of long-term partnership do you want? If you are honest with yourself, are you going as deep as you could go? Have you ever fully revealed yourself to your partner? How much do you hold back in the bedroom? Are you using your new child(ren) as a way to avoid your wife and avoid deepening with her?

Is Cheating Inevitable?

What really happens to the intimacy when a new kid arrives? Is cheating common? What is it that really makes a man cheat on his wife? What is really going on here? If blame can’t be placed on the new child, then who is responsible?

Just the other day, I went to a friend’s place to help him and his wife dialogue about their struggling marriage. Their child is 3 and they continue to have big relationship challenges. My friends are choosing the seemingly steep climb to greater depth and connection. Honest couples get honest about what is going on and work with it. This takes tremendous courage and a willingness to tell the truth. Most couples avoid, avoid, avoid.

I work with many men who have cheated, some openly, others secretly. Most have huge shame and carry enormous guilt about it, even while continuing to do it.

First, try it on that cheating is always a symptom of something going on underneath the surface.

According to Gary Neuman who wrote The Truth About Cheating, “cheating rarely has anything to do with the woman being unattractive.” In fact, according to Gary Neuman 88% of the men he interviewed for his book said that the other woman “wasn’t better looking or in better shape than their wives.”

I mention this because a lot of men might initially place blame on their wife. She isn’t X enough or she’s so Y.

So, what is cheating?

Wikipedia defines Cheating as

“an act of lying, deception, fraud, trickery, imposture, or imposition. Cheating characteristically is employed to create an unfair advantage, usually in one’s own interest, and often at the expense of others,[1]”

In the case of a marriage or monogamous relationship, cheating is leaking your energy elsewhere. A lot of men will justify “leaky” behavior as “I’m just flirting.” or “I didn’t sleep with her, so it’s fine.” But you have to be really, really honest with yourself.

Cheating can be emotional, energetic, or physical.

For example, years ago I had an emotional affair with another woman. At the time it felt innocent and like it was no big deal. And when my girlfriend at the time sniffed it out, I tried to downplay it and move on. Later after receiving some hard feedback from trusted men in my men’s group and a gifted therapist, I owned up to the fact that I had in fact crossed a line and betrayed her.

I discovered that I was angry at my girlfriend and felt judged by her. So, by having an emotional affair and leaking with this other woman, I could indirectly say “fuck you” to my girlfriend because deep down I was hurt.

So, an emotional affair is where you might lean on another woman for support to discuss your relationship challenges. Women often seem safer than men to discuss relationship stuff. Men often go to a female co-worker or friend to vent (another great reason to have solid man friends and a men’s group).

A physical affair is quite obvious and involves physical contact with another woman where there is some sexual charge. Kissing, intercourse, oral sex, long leaky hugs, etc.

An energetic affair can be where you fish for flirting situations. You leak out your interest or see if another woman is interested just passing by at the airport, coffee shop, or bar. You might even use the internet to leak out your sexual energy by cruising someone’s facebook profile or surfing porn.  An online or in-person energetic affair can eventually lead to an emotional or physical affair.

Now, this is not to say a guy doesn’t “look” and can’t “look.” But to me that is different. It’s all in your intention and where your awareness is going. If you have a solid relationship, then any kind of “checking someone out” is going to be a lot less harmful or threatening. But if your relationship is built upon a shaky foundation, any instance where you leak your sexual energy out is an invitation for a fight and hurt feelings.

According to Neuman’s research:

• 1 in 2.7 men will cheat, and most of their wives will never find about it.
• 92% of men say that affairs aren’t primarily about sex.

Yikes! But why?

Why do Guys Cheat?

According to marriage counselor Gary Neuman, men cheat because of:

• Loneliness in their relationship or marriage.
• Affirmation from “the other women.”
• Not enough attention at home.

I would add that new Dads might cheat because of:

• Fear. Fear of intimacy, fear of failure, fear of being seen, fear of being hurt. Fear of hurting your partner.
• Anger. Unowned, unexpressed anger about some issue in the relationship
• Disconnection. Feeling no or little connection.
• Irritability with oneself and one’s situation
• Sexually frustrated. Perhaps your wife doesn’t find you attractive or refuses to have sex with you. Pretty soon, you might start looking elsewhere instead of dealing with the issue.
• Feeling left out. Some new dads report feeling “left out” because Mom and newborn are bonding so much. Dad starts to feel ignored and neglected.

Sadly Neuman says that “The number one reason men cheat is that there’s an emotional disconnection in the relationship. Husbands or partners feel underappreciated, and report a lack of thoughtful gestures. They’re lonely in their marriage.”

Here’s the deal. If you are unhappy in your marriage or your relationship, get off your ass and do something about it. If you are “underappreciated” or “disconnected” then get connected, get in the game. Stop waiting for your wife or partner to make the first move. Stop complaining and playing the victim. Take full responsibility today or you might end up with your tail between your legs like Tiger.

The only reason I have ever cheated on any girlfriend or had “emotional affairs,” was because something was “off” in the relationship and in myself and I was unwilling (and scared shitless) to address it.

The issue is quite simple. There is a relationship challenge or obstacle, and guys who cheat don’t want to address it, face it, or confront it. They would rather emotionally and physically “exit” the relationship. They “leak” energy outside the monogamous relationship.

So, why did Tiger Woods cheat?

It’s anybody’s guess, but in my eyes, he was obviously scared to address some issues before things got out of hand.

To me cheating is not the issue. Remember it’s a symptom. What set this behavior off? What was it that Tiger was feeling, experiencing, and wanting that he did not speak to? What was he so afraid of?

Tiger still has a real opportunity to “teach” his new children about love and about the challenges of relationship. But sadly, I don’t trust him to do that. He doesn’t have to. He can just keep playing golf, making great cash and people will likely forgive him. But most of us are not Tiger.

It’s time for men to Man Up

Remember this is not about staying together or acting “good.” Religious approaches to staying married simply don’t work. This is about getting real and being willing to tell the truth, no matter how painful to yourself first, then your partner.

When I work with couples, it is often the woman who drags the man into counseling or relationship coaching. This is sad but generally true. Why? Dudes don’t want to admit that they struggle or that something is wrong.

How could such a champion be so incompetent in relationship? Well, relationship is a lot more challenging for Tiger than golf. It is humbling for us to see such a champion brought to his knees and reveal his inadequacies and shame. Remember, he’s human like you and me.

I doubt Tiger will make a vow to be as good at relationship as he is at golf. But you can. If you still have something to learn about relationship and intimacy, practice being a student, take some classes, get some coaching and learn.

It is possible to have an amazing marriage and relationship. It took my wife and I about four years of intense counseling, coaching, mentoring to get to a place of profound intimacy. We hit a plateau and now we both want to go further. So, we are diving in and being students again, learning, opening, and making space for the magic of our connection to penetrate us both.

Relationship is an ever changing sea of chaos, uncertainty, love, pain, loss, and intensity. That is, if you engage it fully.

What to do?

So, if you are in a struggling or challenging marriage or relationship and you genuinely want it to be different, do something about it. Or, if you are in a good marriage, but know there can be more spark, more juicy sex, more profound love, get off the couch and take full responsibility for going after what you want.  Don’t pretend like you have your marriage handled if you don’t.

• Stay focused on your own growth and change. Do your own individual work. If your partner won’t agree to seek help, just work on accepting that and work to change yourself. Don’t get sucked into trying to fix your partner.
• Get professional help. I mean really good professional help. There are so many crappy relationship therapists, counselors, and coaches out there. Find one you instantly trust and feel safe with. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to ask for help.
• Get feedback from trusted friends and your men’s group. I’m not talking about friends who give lame advice. I’m talking about friends who have no agenda for you, save you being true and honest with yourself.
• If your relationship is going well, celebrate it–regularly!!
• If you divorce or leave the relationship please know and understand that your issues will follow you. You will find yourself in a similar situation unless YOU change. Try it on that you are the person with the relationship issue. That’s the good news. Knowing this gives you the freedom to do something about it.

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