The other day I sent out a call for feedback for men everywhere (Stay tuned…). My request was for one sentence from anyone and everyone. Interesting that several women completely disregarded the “one sentence” rule and just went for it.

Here is one poignant example from my friend Nomali who wrote to us men exquisitely. She came up with her own introduction to it. I have not edited a thing and have received her permission to post it. I was deeply inspired upon reading her note and feel as though it may serve you. Thank you Nomali!

Notice yourself as you read this. Are you skeptical? Do you allow her words to penetrate you? Do you contract because of you are afraid to let her in? Does the spiritual tone sound too much for you? Or are you grateful for a woman that shares her vulnerability with you? What would it feel like for a woman to actually speak to you in this manner?

If you are a man hungry for more in intimacy and relationship, let this be a love letter beckoning you to show up and go deeper.

Painting My Lover: Men – Women – Me – You – Who?

by Nomali Perera

Crazy-ass long mad thing I suddenly found myself writing after I saw a posting by Jayson Gaddis of “Revolutionary Man” (What Is Your Constructive Feedback For MEN? – http://tinyurl.com/yh46lyj). This is waaaaay too long for what Jayson Gaddis is looking for. I mostly just found myself writing more about myself than men and so, this is just my note. And please know that this is MY letter. I am not speaking for other women. I am also not directing this at any one man. And sometimes I am guilty of what I complain about. I know it and am honest about it. Why did I really have all this gushing out of me? I have no idea. Maybe just because I am a woman. And sometimes, I just shamelessly gush.

————————–

If there was a car accident and you were the first one the scene, chances are you would respond and immediately lend yourself to the situation. Right? Most men would step up and serve in that moment without question, without hesitation.

How is it that some guys can really step up when it matters most, but in the day to day routine of life hold back so much? What will it take for you to “respond” to the call of your life?

What mistakes have you made that have you in a career that is luke warm? What are you doing about it?

If you still reading, you are at least aware that there is a problem. If you read my blog, you know there’s more out there.

Some of you are in the initial phase of career change. Some of you are just realizing there is a problem. And others of you are well along the path, having already taken some big risks toward the future, your life purpose, and what you want.

In this culture, work matters. Even though it is only what you do, for many men it becomes your identity. And, if you don’t like your work, that has a big impact on who you are as a man and how you are showing up in the world.

If you’re anything like me, a man’s road of career development is frustrating, challenging and relentless. It’s what I wake up in the morning every day having to face.

Let’s look at the top 3 reasons you, and men like you, play it safe, hate their job and continue to hold back from what’s possible.

REASON NUMBER 1-  You Let Someone Else be the Leader.

You got on the wrong train and became a follower.  You did what you were supposed to do or needed to do, rather than what you wanted to do.

Before we dive further into this point, it is important to understand the rationale men use in their career development and what kinds of men they are. From my experience, unhappy career men are divided into four categories:

Man A. The Hamster

Somewhere along his life path, often in his 20’s, a man lands a good paying job with the potential for career advancement. Without doing a serious inquiry and innocently enough, he takes the job and then the years go by.

This man likes stability and stays in that job until he retires. This type of man was more common in my father’s generation. This man gets on the hamster wheel early and for some dog-gone reason, stays on the damn wheel.

Man B. The strategist

This guy will do some serious searching early in his career and may change jobs several times in his 20’s and even in to his 30’s until he settles with a firm or a company. He may go to grad school to pursue an MBA, to further his skills and to make more cash.

This guy stays with a job for no more than 2 years before moving on to a better job—better pay, benefits, office views, and titles with more clout and credibility.  In this case he is looking for “career advancement” and so he develops a skill set or two he is good at and finds work that supports that advancement.

Men tell me that at this stage they are climbing the corporate latter. Other men in this category have told me that they seek more challenging positions so they can continue to grow as a leader within the workplace.

Man C—The Family Man.

Family men tell me that they had to get a serious job to support the family, the mortgage, and the other responsibilities that come along with “growing up” and being an adult.

As his family grows, so does his need for more money to afford more things the family needs—a bigger house, another car, more money for schooling, more mouths to feed etc.  The upgrades often continue, as does the necessary salary to support it.

Man D—The wanderer

This unique guy attempts to find work that feeds him. This man takes some bold risks and is pretty adventurous. This guy is wandering, unclear of what to do and only takes jobs to support his lifestyle. He is pretty ambivalent about work and money, but knows there is more to life than work.

This guy often takes a low paying job supposedly “doing what he loves” but ends up doing it for a long time which leads to him feeling “stuck.”

These guys often work in the restaurant business, ski industry, retail clothing and other “service industry” related  jobs. This guy may be rebelling against what man A-C do, but is equally unhappy. (This was me).

Some men like their work, good for them

Now, to be fair, all of these types of men have the potential to be fulfilled with their work and plenty of these men are happy, fulfilled and excited about the work they do and the situation they are in. Good for them. We are not talking about them, however. We’re talking about you.

It begins to make sense why men choose career paths that they do. Which man out of the four are you? What do all of these men have in common?

Did you do what you were “supposed to do” or needed to do?  Did you stop looking for what really inspired you and so you settled? Perhaps while at the station, you just got on the career building train and found it hard to exit.

The most common theme between these men is that they let external stressors such as starting a family, debt from student loans or credit cards, a mortgage, and other peoples expectations, drive their behavior. This is known as having “external motivation” as opposed to intrinsic (or internal) motivation. And this kind of thinking is understandable.

As you know, once you are on the train and the further from the station you travel, the harder and harder it becomes to get off the train. You followed the crowd and they were on the train too!

The longer and further from the station, the more you will override that tiny voice that knows it could be different. Most men have that voice. How loud that voice is depends on the man.

Commonly, instead of directing your energy to finding your life’s work, you put that life force into career development and management, even though you don’t absolutely love your job.

You may compare yourself to your peers and end up competing against them. Some men even quietly compete against their fathers as if to prove something.

Instead of seeking for and fighting for what truly gets you up in the morning, you put that same energy into goals within a job that doesn’t fulfill you.

So, mistake number one is that for whatever reason, you became a follower.

You chose to follow instead of lead.

REASON NUMBER 2- INACTION–You didn’t know what you want to do, you still don’t know what your calling in life is and you’re doing nothing about it.

The second biggest mistake a man makes is that he collapses in the face of “not knowing” and then does not take action to “right” the situation. In other words, he has a difficult time hanging in there with the agonizing process of discovering his true purpose.

He did not engage thoroughly in the self-inquiry that is required to know what his life’s work is.  Contrary to popular belief, it is possible to love your work, fight for it and even die for it.

We are all here to do a specific task. A task that only you can do. We each have a mission to serve on the planet. However, “I don’t know what I want to do” becomes a card a man will carry around to avoid the discomfort of the unknown.

The issue is not the unknown however, it is a your relationship to it. This is a fine point that may need review. Re-read that last sentence. Your relationship to the unknown is the problem, not the unknown itself. And, here is where you need to realize that your inaction has a big price (see reason 3).

Think about it. When you were 18-22, how many guys did you know that knew without a doubt what they wanted to do with their life? How many guys did you really trust when they said they knew?

The truth is that very few men actually know what their life’s work is by the start of college and even fewer are clear after college, (although it may look like they are clear from the outside and many want you to believe that they are clear).

So, if you don’t know what you’re supposed to do, then what do you do? As we talked about, you have a couple of choices. One is to collapse into the pressures around you and become a follower. Or, you do the intense work to find out what your mission is.

Some of you might be a leader within your organization, but you’re also a follower of someone else’s vision. You compete with other men to get a better, higher paying job, maybe with status or rewards such as a big paycheck.

You don’t want to lose the race up the corporate mountain. In that world, the later you start, the less leadership opportunities there are, the less you get paid, the less chance for advancement, etc. So, it makes sense why you just found a “good job.”

At the same time, it also makes sense why so many of you are simply not satisfied or fulfilled with the work you do.

Do any of these statements sound familiar?

• “It’s not really what I want to do, but it pays the bills.”
• “it’s a respected company.”
• “It’s not really my ideal job, but the benefits are good,”
• “hey, working for the man pays the bills.”
• “I don’t have time to find work I’m happy about.”
• “yeah, wait till you have a family and then let’s talk about your ideal job.”
• “yeah, I have a lot of freedom and I can make my own schedule.”

This kind of attitude is great if you want to play it safe. But imagine you’re on a sports team and this kind of attitude is up to bat. Are you an asset or a liability to the team?

It is unlikely that you will be a game changer in this scenario. However, if you have felt this way about some aspect of your life, like your career, there’s still time for a course correction.

After a while, this not knowing becomes a comfortable place to be and a great reason stop looking around. I say this sarcastically of course. Behind the scenes, men are in a lot of pain if they have a lame job.

Most men hate the unknown. Men like to be in control. But ask yourself, would you rather be in control and somewhat comfortable in a routine, predicting your schedule and not having to do a lot of guess work?

Or, would you rather find meaningful work wherein everyday you woke up stoked about the day? Excited for the challenge that you must tackle in front of you?

Some men even tell themselves, “we’ll I’m not really the adventurous type.” Pretty soon, this is part of a false identity that they begin to believe (Story, story, story).  Now, think back to when you were a kid, did you do the same thing day in and day out?

Did you play it safe? Or, were you seeing the world as a big adventure with limitless possibilities? Did you play games and always change the rules and make stuff up?

Chances are you were like most kids and you did a lot of exploring and experimenting, even as a teenager. So, what happened to silence that adventurous spirit in you? What made you stop exploring?

Second Mistake: You don’t know what to do and you’re frozen in not knowing.As a result, your lack of action is having a big impact on those who need your help.

REASON NUMBER 3- FEAR– Fear is at the root of your inaction

Fear is likely at the underbelly of such justifications as, “I don’t really know what I want to do for work” or “It’s a well-paid, stable job.” Try it on that fear drives much of your behavior.

Even “fearless” men have fear. It’s just that they don’t collapse around it. These bold men go into it, right into the center. Many men have a fear of success or a fear of failure. What about you?

Read any leadership book and they’ll talk about fear of failure or fear of success. Try saying these statements out loud and see which one fits:

• “I am afraid to fail”
• “I don’t want to look bad in my circle of friends”
• “I don’t want to be seen as incompetent”
• “I don’t know if I can do it.”
• “I’m afraid what I have to offer is not valuable.”
• “I have better things to do with my time”
• “What if ______________(your idea) doesn’t work?”
• “What if I don’t make any money?”
• “What if I’m not good at it?”
• “What if others judge me?”

The one thing in common in the above questions? FEAR! Fear, fear, fear. How much is fear running your life? Who cares if I fail? So what? What is the worst possible thing that could happen if you really followed your own truth?

A few pointers.

First, ask yourself these three questions:

1. What would I be doing if I knew I couldn’t fail?
2. What would I do if I was not afraid?
   
3. If I had to charge into battle in 5 minutes, what noble cause would I stand up and fight for right now? Who/What would I die for in this battle?

Chances are what you would be doing in these scenarios is different from what you are currently doing. If this is true, many men will immediately list the reasons why they are not doing what they really want to be doing. That’s fine, do that.

Next, take out a piece of paper and list all the reasons why following your own truth, your own mission wouldn’t work.

List them, seriously.

Following my truth just wouldn’t work right now in my life because:

Your reasons are good ones, I’m sure very valid. But let’s you and I recognize that when you rationalize, chances are that you are in fear. Try it on. Just try saying it out loud right now, “The reason I’m not fulfilling my true mission in life is because I’m scared.” What was that like? Is it true?

If it is true that you are scared to find and follow your own deep vision, what is it going to take for you lean in to your fear? What will it take for you to be able to relate to your fear and even learn something from it?

What is the worst that could happen if you put “finding my mission” at the top of your ‘to do’ list. What would it take from quietly being run by fear, to engaging in your life in a deeper way?

THE COST OF YOUR INACTION

When we don’t act there is always a price. Think for a minute about the price tag for you not finding and not living your true mission. What is it? Perhaps there is a cost to your family or friends. Maybe the cost is that those with whom you are here to serve miss out on your greatest gift? Maybe the big cost is that you feel like you are lying to yourself and that hurts.

Men who lack a sense of inner peace and feel  “out of sorts” deep inside regarding their calling must realize that this nagging feeling will never go away until you face it.

From my own experience, men that are not living their true purpose in life are simply less potent and less effective leaders. If you have a son or daughter, think about what you are indirectly teaching them by playing it safe.

Oliver Wendell Holmes said,

“Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.” Is this going to be you?

So, the ball is in your court. Remember my car accident example in the first paragraph? Pretend a crisis is happening right now. If you can’t find a personal crisis, think about the global economic crisis. One if five men are out of work right now.  Pretend that you are needed.  Imagine that there are a lot of people that need you, your help. Will you collapse and run from the scene? What are you going to do to step up and serve?

Specifically, what next action step are you going to take toward discovering and living your life’s purpose? If you already know what your purpose is and are not living it, what steps will you take to get on it?

Write down 5 action steps you will take right now to begin this process and put time deadlines on each.

ACTION STEP                                                                                    DEADLINE

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

So, NOW WHAT?

Good question. That depends on how deep your longing is, how serious you are about making changes, and what kind of man you want to be.

And, read these similar posts:

Know what you want.

Change that Sticks

Finding your Life’s Purpose

Here is a great question from one of my clients.

As many of you know, once you start engaging in personal development work, be it getting some coaching, going to therapy, or finding a spiritual path, many of your closest friends and family members might feel very uncomfortable with the “new you.”

Here’s a great example that some of you might appreciate, followed up with some useful tips.

Here’s my client’s question:

Last night I had dinner with my bro.  We got on the topic of “what the f*ck am I doing?” with all my time, going to spiritual talks etc.

My bro gave me a piece about, “You need to be clear with your friends what you’re doing since you are so out of touch, you need to be clear with Mom and Dad.  People need you/ want you back.  No one understands what is going on with you”.  I was patient for a while, and then I got angry and heated.  I started defending myself, fired up.

How have you dealt with friends and family who didn’t understand what you were doing during personal development work?  I offered my bro an answer from one of your blogs – “it may look selfish, but I’m trying to work on myself to be a better person”.  My bro said “what problems do you have – we were blessed growing up.  What are you angry about?  You shouldn’t be so angry.  Don’t feel bad”  Of course, this only stoked the flames even higher.

I’m feeling angry, pissed, locked up and helpless.  If you have any thoughts to share I’d appreciate.

So what is going on here?

This is a classic example of how other people are threatened by a man’s personal growth and evolution.

I remember this process vividly for myself. As I dove deep into my own personal development work and spiritual practice I heard comments like this: “We like the old Jay better than the new Jay.” or “Yeah bro, we were thinking about having an intervention with you,” as If I was an alcoholic or something.

In systems theory, when one aspect of any system changes, it disrupts the entire system or the homeostasis of the system.

As you change and evolve, the system, which is your old friends and family members, feels a threat and does it’s best to keep you in your old role. This happens largely unconsciously on their end. This can be one painful aspect of differentiating from your family.

If they were able to talk about it and had some skills, they might say things such as, “When you change and grow, I get scared because I no longer know how to be with you or relate to you.” or “When I can’t place you into the role I’ve always known you in, I feel threatened, scared, and uncomfortable.” or “I feel safe and secure knowing who I think you are and when you show me signs of something different, I feel very uncomfortable and I start to question myself.”

So, what to do?

Whether or not you understand them and their process is irrelevant.

You must make staying with yourself and your experience and much higher priority than getting their approval or having them understand you. It can be really tempting to try and change them or make them get it. But chances are they will never get it, or get you.

(Talk to gay men and women. Generally speaking, they know this landscape well. Specifically reach out to fearless gay people who have already faced the gauntlet of judgments/ridicule from others in their coming out process).

Here are a few pointers.

1.  Let go. Let go of wanting them to understand you and accept that they won’t. If you get lucky and they do, celebrate it.

2.  Feel your Feelings. Feel what arises in you around your family/friends not understanding or getting you. There may be a lot of anger, resentment, or deep grief and loss knowing that those whom love you the most understand and support you the least.

3.  Feel part 2. Feel your aloneness and the pain around that.

4.  Notice your need. Notice the part of you that still wants to be liked and accepted. Meet that need yourself and stop looking outside yourself for validation.

5.  Get a new community. Surround yourself with folks that do see you, understand you, and support your evolution. If I wanted to stay in the old me, I would hang around old friends that continue to box me in to who I used to be. If however, I want to grow, I must find folks who are growing also. Get a badass men’s group going.

6.  Set a boundary. Take some space away from those old friends/family members while you sort things out. Be direct with them and let them  know you are going away for a while. Do this as consciously as possible. If you need to stop returning phone calls because it feels too hard, give yourself permission to do that for while until you get clear on how to communicate with them.

7.  Make a request. If you family/friends blame you or tell you “Don’t feel angry etc…” request that they not tell you how to feel. In the above example, my client’s brother was very invalidating. Hear him out, then make a request.

8.  Be direct and tell them how you feel. Stay with yourself without judging them. For example, my client could say, “I’m feeling angry, pissed, locked up and helpless. I feel completely unseen and unsupported by you right now.”

9.  Set another boundary. If your family/friends continue to invalidate you because they lack the skills to dive into what is really going on for them, let them know that you are no longer willing to be spoken to that way and you need a break from the relationship for a while. Put a timeframe on it.

10. Own your shame. If you feel shame or embarrassed by your new growth kick, own that. It’s normal. Know that there is also a part of you that doesn’t want you to grow or change. Stay in relationship with that part of yourself.

11. Be fearless. If all else fails, be true to yourself and your path. F*ck everyone else. It’s time to stop giving a shit what others think of you. We don’t have time to “convince” anyone of what we are up to.

When you work on yourself in a genuine way, plan on pissing others off. Plan on losing friends. Plan on the worst. And, if you get support, welcome it.

Roll up your sleeves and change anyway. Continue to be fearless and follow what you know will serve you and the greater good.

See also Isn’t personal growth just selfish?

Photo by Josh Levin

It’s near the new year, the solstice has happened and the days are getting longer. This translates into you giving birth to another aspect of yourself, your vision, and what you want in your life.

Or, it leads to another year gone by….

For years, I worked in wilderness therapy programs for troubled teens. The kids sent to these programs were often kidnapped by “escorts” in the middle of the night and taken to a remote wilderness location for one to four months.

Ninety nine percent of the time, the kids sent to these programs didn’t want to be there. They were forced to be there by their parents and the expectation from the parents was  “fix my kid.”  From the beginning it was always a set up.

The kids would show up shut down, angry, scared, and very resistant. Within days or weeks, they understood that the key to leaving the program was to “play the game.” Many kids would fake it and others would genuinely try to change. Regardless, the fuel for their change was usually motivated by one or two forces:

• External influence. Someone outside themselves such as their parents. “If my parents want me to change, fine, I will change and be different for them.”
• Fear. Fear of consequences and fear of rejection and abandonment. “If I don’t change, then I might loose my freedoms and the people I love the most.”

Because changes kids actually did make were through one or both of these forces, change and gains in their treatment were often small and short-lived.

It is very common for anyone who works a program of any kind, be it addiction recovery, an eating disorder, a fitness/diet program, or a simple new year’s resolution, to “relapse” into their old ways a few months after starting. Why? Because the motivation for change did not come from deep inside.

Most of the kids in the wilderness programs lacked this fundamental intrinsic desire to transform.  They felt pressure from the grown ups and so they tried to change for them. We adults are no different.

The same is true in a relationship with a lover. It often goes like this:

A man is brought into couples counseling by a woman who is unhappy with the way her man is being. She is hungry for more of him. She sees his potential and yearns for him to reach it. But he is somewhat comfortable in “his way” and lacks tools to tap into his potential so he gets lazy and cozy watching sports and distracting himself by working on other “projects.” She gets frustrated and asks him to change. He feels pressured, caves in, and tries to change for her without really getting inspired  himself to be different. Know anyone like this?

Rarely does this kind of couples counseling work. Until the man is ready and willing to change he won’t change. Whatever small gains he makes will be for her. This eventually leads to resentments and further disconnection.

This set up also works with our relationship to ourselves. We have two parts. One voice says “You should change and go to the gym 5 days/week.” The other voice, mostly unconscious to us, with more power says, “Fuck you, you can’t tell me what to do.” And so goes our internal struggle.

Do you feel an inner conflict sometimes?  Or are you hiding out in some way? Coasting along in a mediocre relationship? Drifting from you own path in a dead-end job? Or do you claim you want something in your life to be different but you just can’t make it happen? What will it take for you to change?

In my article on spirituality, I mention 3 things it takes for men to “find” spirituality:

• When things fall apart. Through a major life crisis or intense suffering personally or relationally.
• Intrinsic motivation. Through intense longing and hunger for more in life
• Solitude -Spending a considerable amount of time alone

It is the same with personal change, growth, and transformation. And this is the secret to lasting change that sticks.

Said in another way…

Option A-action

You must be willing to do whatever it takes to change the thing you want changed.

That’s right, whatever it takes and at whatever the cost.

So, if you are up to the task, make a commitment, both to yourself and out loud with another person. Something like this:

I commit to doing anything and everything in my power to change _______, and get the results that I desire. (this is commitment 11 of the 10 commitments to manhood).

Remember, this is not about changing another person or something outside of your locus of control. Pick something about yourself that you want to change.

For example, a client recently told me “I want deeper, more connected relationships. I want to work through whatever blocks I have to intimacy and love.” First he is clear on what he wants, next he can make a commitment to change it and put an action plan in place to work on it.

When I was 29 years old, I was in a lot of pain and I was suffering. My relationships would only go so deep. I longed for more. At the same time, I always blamed the woman and refused to look at myself.

But at 29 and with ten or more years of limited results and unfulfilled relationships, I hit a tipping point. My pain was so substantial and my desire for gain was so strong that I was ready. I remember saying to myself and my therapist at the time, “I am willing to do whatever it takes to get better results.”

That was a big moment in my life and it is what sent me on a personal evolution path that continues today.

Note: If you don’t take option A, you invite the default option B which may or may not happen before you die. Let’s look at option B.

Option B-passive

You wait for something bad to happen to you.

I have not shared this one in a while, but for years I wanted something bad to happen to me so in order for me to change, and then my life would have meaning. I wished that some doctor would tell me I had six months to live or that I had some rare disease and that I would lose my legs. Can you relate? Maybe I’m just weird.

I didn’t know about option A until the slow 10-year burn turned to unbearable frustration and reached a critical mass.  At that point I stopped looking outward and turned my attention on my own games and bullshit and asked, “What if I’m the problem?”

It was then that I realized that there was hope for me. But it would take some brutal personal work to get the results that I so yearned for.

Marketing experts know that you want to wait for option B and through this, they prey upon you. Mainstream ad campaigns promise to fix your pain and to do it with ease and little effort on your part. Think about drug companies. “Take this pill or buy this product and you will feel better.” They prey upon the bystander in you that wants someone to do it for you.

Well guess what? True change will only happen when you a) want it bad enough or b) when you wait for the shit to hit the fan. And if you are in mild discomfort, you are less motivated than someone in extreme discomfort and therefore less likely to change.

See if this is true for you and your own changes that have stuck.

Are you playing the victim, waiting around for something to happen to you?  Or are you going to take full responsibility for your life, man up, and get clear about the internal changes you want to make and start today in making them?

Let’s say you are motivated by an external factor such as wanting to be a better father for your kids, this is fine in the beginning. But at a certain point, you must change for you and the desire must come from deep within you. The benefits toward others will come naturally.

You have to want it.

You must be incredibly hungry.

You must want it bad enough or you are simply waiting…

So, here’s my advice for you brave souls who are considering change.

1.  Get very clear on motivation for change. Is it for your wife/spouse/partner? Is it external? Internal? Both?

2.  Next, how bad do you want it? Rate yourself from 1-10, 10 being “I will do whatever it takes.”

3.  Then, look at your thoughts and words and see if it matches your behavior. If you make a claim you are a “10″ and want to change, but your actions are a “7″ and speak a different message, then you are not congruent and your change ain’t gonna stick.

4.  Get congruent. The more congruent you can be, the more likely change is to happen. It might not be at the pace you want or in the way you want. Congruency means that your thoughts, words, and actions all line up and say the same thing. This leads to trustworthiness and deeper integrity as a man.

5. Once you are crystal clear, take full responsibility to make the change happen and commit to it.

6.  Make an action plan and get accountability from another man or a men’s group.

7.  Hire a therapist or coach and/or find a spiritual path and community that resonates with who you are to support you.

If you don’t know what you want to change, but you know things could be different, start by getting some feedback from trusted friends. What do people really think of you? What consistent feedback do you get that pisses you off? What have your intimate partners said about you that is the same every time?

The “how” comes after you are a 10 and after you are foaming at the mouth for change.

Special note to the helpers out there that want to change someone else

If you know someone who has a ton of potential and you just know they would benefit from a personal development workshop, a coach, a therapist or a book, rather than try to change them, please own how their behavior impacts you.

This will help them understand that the cost of their inaction. Advice and sneaky suggestions are not nearly as effective as truth telling about what happens for you when they are the way they are.

It is fine to make a request from a place of love and respect. “I care about you Bob, I want to encourage you to go hire a coach to help you get better results. I’m tired of the talk with no action. I am trusting you less as a man.”

At a certain point, wanting to change someone is an act of aggression and demonstrates a fundamental lack of trust in their path and their life. Who are you to know what is best for them? Who made you the authority on what is best for them and what would help them? If they want to keep stewing in their own bullshit, they have a right to do so.

Always come back to yourself. The more self-awareness you have, the more effective you will be in the changes you so desire.

Every so often I work with someone who has been dramatically impacted by the tragic teachings of original sin.

After we do some coaching together, we uncover that they believe they are fundamentally bad, wrong, or unlovable.

How did this happen I wonder? Where in the hell did they get this kind of message? For the lucky few that had great parents and teachers, who planted this seed?

One answer—original sin and “the church.”

Reginald A. Ray, the former head of the Religious Studies program at Naropa University and long-time Buddhist teacher told me once that in his 45 years experience teaching thousands of Western students meditation, he believed that original sin is responsible for why so many people have a negative view of themselves.

Of course it’s not the only reason.

When we are little kids, we pretty much believe what the big people tell us. Hence, racisim, sexism, and various forms of fundamentalism and extremism. Parents, coaches, teachers, and organizations have a HUGE power and influence over what kids learn and digest.

Brainwashing a child is pretty easy. Any form of fundamentalism starts by brainwashing children.

If you are a parent, how is it possible to look at your new baby and think that he or she is bad, guilty, wrong, or sinful? As one of my Catholic clients recently said about his son after birth, “he was perfect!”

As a father, I couldn’t agree more. Looking at my own son I was simply blown away at how pure he looked, felt and acted. His pure innocence and splendor. His eyes, face, little toes and hands were simply perfect. I felt deep love.

But if you yourself believe that you are fundamentally worthless, bad, or wrong at your core, it is no surprise that you will pass down that teaching to your children and children you work with.

Even still, how does any smart adult take the teaching of original sin seriously? If you test this and any spiritual or religious teaching against your own experience, what conclusions do you come to?

For example, if as a child you are taught that Hispanic (or fill in the blank) people are bad or less than you, you will simply take the adults word for it as truth. Even if your own experience suggests otherwise. As you get older however, in order to confirm your narrow belief system, you select only those experiences that match what you believe, thus concretizing your view and lodging racism into your psyche even further.

Are you really willing to come to your own conclusions or will you instead trust something even though it is in conflict with your direct experience?

The Good News

I’ve worked with hundreds and hundreds of people over the years and there is always the same theme. Once we begin to genuinely work on ourselves through coaching, men’s work, psychotherapy, and spiritual practice, and we stick with it, we always uncover the truth in more or less two stages.

Stage 1. We discover that we have a whole series of limiting beliefs and insecurities that we have pushed down and kept hidden. We finally admit that we have some issues (welcome to being human) and we begin the “thawing out” process.

Stage 2. Realizing that our discovery in stage 1 is just a bunch of “old tapes” and messages that someone else gave us, we begin to see underneath these lies to a deeper truth—that we are fundamentally good and worthy of love. That’s right, once we “do the work” we start to see and experience the truth of who we are. This is a big turning point in a person’s life. Once you taste the raw freedom and magic of who you are, there’s no turning back and you just want more.

So, try it on that you were not only born perfect but that you still are fundamentally good and perfect at your core. Beneath the mask you wear, the ego trips, and BS messages from “the big people,” is a beautiful human being—trust me.

Tibetan Buddhist master Trungpa Rinpoche coined the term “basic goodness” to describe who we are at our essence. That beneath our ‘cocoon’ we are fundamentally good. To me this is true, no matter who you are.

Why? I have worked with criminals, perpetrators of domestic violence, drug addicts and severely mentally ill people who, when they let down their walls and defenses, are absolutely perfect and as just as worthy of love as anyone else.

Next Steps?

1. Test every teaching anyone gives you against your own experience.

2. Get to know yourself and see if it’s really true

3. Burn the old tape that you are fundamentally bad or wrong at your core. Light that crap on fire and start challenging systems and people (including yourself) that keep that nonsense going.

4. Stop feeding the negative voice, and starting giving the quieter, more distant voice some food.

5. Remember your inner authority

6. Trust that you are basically good and perfect beneath the mask you wear. If you still don’t believe it, ask people you love to tell you what they see.

7. If you continue to be unwilling to see the truth underneath the lies, hire someone to help you recover the deep love that you are.

Once you begin to believe that you are “good” and worthy of love and respect, you can re-orient toward the truth that is buried beneath the nonsense.

If someone you know and love actually believes the bullshit about original sin, challenge him or her by loving them and seeing their greatness.

Consider the quote below and test it against your own experience.

When you are judging another person, is it coming from fear? What about when you think you are better than someone else? And how can you really know when you are afraid and what is it like to own up to that fact?

Leave a comment about what you find…

“ There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life. ”

–John Lennon

This is a piece I recently wrote for the Good Men Project. What does spirituality have to do with being a man? Is personal growth a spiritual process?How is spirituality more suited than religion for the modern man? These are questions this post explores…

Check it out:

More and more men I work with are seeking a spiritual path. More men are hungry for more meaning and purpose in their lives. More and more men are open to a conversation about spirituality. More and more men are waking up to what is possible in their lives.

Spirituality is a tool to facilitate this waking up process.

Perhaps the term spirituality is hard to understand. Still, most of us have had spiritual moments or experiences in our lives. From a newborn child to an epic scene in the wilderness, the unexplainable splendor is everywhere.

I grew up in Utah around the Mormon faith and was raised agnostic. In my teens I became an atheist and even suicidal. Not until my experimentation with drugs in college did I begin to see there was something going on “behind the scenes.”

I spent years searching, wondering, spending time alone, and reading books—seeking something I could not name. Since religion didn’t have the answers I was searching for, I continued my quest. Because I was so depressed and locked up in my life, I finally…read the rest here.

The book I've had since 2003

Ever heard of the punk band “Kill Your Idols?” I love their name.  To me it speaks to how we need to differentiate from our teachers otherwise our view of them can become an impediment, or an obstacle that gets in the way of our own waking up process.

This concept or “teaching” is not new. There is even a website called Kill the Buddha after a well known Zen saying. This site sums up the concept here:

The idea of “killing the Buddha” comes from a famous Zen line, the context of which is easy to imagine: After years on his cushion, a monk has what he believes is a breakthrough: a glimpse of nirvana, the Buddhamind, the big pay-off. Reporting the experience to his master, however, he is informed that what has happened is par for the course, nothing special, maybe even damaging to his pursuit. And then the master gives the student dismaying advice: If you meet the Buddha, he says, kill him.

Why kill the Buddha? Because the Buddha you meet is not the true Buddha, but an expression of your longing. If this Buddha is not killed he will only stand in your way.

So, it is with mixed emotions, some fear, and some excitement that I share an important download I recently received.

Evolving men everywhere refer to the book Way of the Superior Man as the guidepost–a great read for any man wanting to step up his game. It was for me.

Originally I was disturbed by the arrogant title and I put off reading for over a year. Then, it kept getting mentioned so I acquiesced, bought it, and have referred to it for years.

I even joined a “Deida-style” men’s group based around the book. I recommended the book to dozens of men. I even attended his 5-day sexuality and spirituality intensive with David in New York. It rocked my world.

So, for the past six years David Deida’s book Way of the Superior Man has been a real authority for me on men, the masculine, and men/women dynamics. That is, until now.

It’s time for me to bury the book and declare this:

I am done with Way of the Superior Man. I milked this sucker for years and gleaned a lot. The teachings that resonate for me are in me now and I walk forward with them in my own way.

And now, I am burying the book and writing my own. A new men’s personal evolution book is long overdue. So, out with the old and in with the new. Stay tuned for it in 2010.

Thank you Way Of The Superior Man for your wisdom, love, truth, penetration, and insight. And thank you David Deida for writing a revolutionary book that continues to impact thousands of men everywhere. You taught me a great deal. I lay you to rest and bid you many blessings.

With love and respect,

Jayson

p.s. Watch my book burying ritual here.

Am I recommending this approach? Only if you continue to put people or books “above you” and your own inner authority after you have thoroughly digested and integrated their system or teachings.

In the beginning, when we meet an important teacher or mentor, or read a powerful book, it is appropriate to “look up to,” aspire, and consume the material deeply as any devoted student might.

But a lot of folks just don’t move on. They continue to have a bit of “hero worship” thus disempowering their own journey. So long as you do this, it is unlikely you’ll be able to step into who you need to become.

At a certain point, you need to flap your own wings and fly.

As always, seek out mentors, teachers and things that inspire you. Then, think for yourself, and trust your own inner authority.

In my last post we explored the concept of selfishness as it pertains to personal growth. To take the conversation a step further, we have to talk about service. Why? Because if you really want to talk about not being selfish, then a conversation about being self-less needs to happen.

But what is selflessness? What does that really mean? And how do I know when I am being selfish versus selfless?

I’m here to assert that by being “selfish” you can be genuinely selfless.

Selflessness, or serving and helping others, is one of the core pillars of being a revolutionary man. To live is to serve. If you want to be the kind of man leaves his mark, consider making service a central part of who you are and how you spend your time.

Conventional Service & Service Materialism

How is it that service is so often taught as “scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours?” In our modern, western culture, service seems to be fairly conditional. I’ll help you, but I expect something in return. I’ll give you my $20 million, but I want the stadium named after me.

Not only that, but service in many circles overtly excludes and discriminates against people. WTF?

For example, some religions teach that if you serve “correctly” and according to God’s will, going to heaven one day will be your reward. So rather than serve because it genuinely comes through me, I serve so that I can get the carrot– heaven.

Some groups will even teach their followers to only help certain groups of people while discriminating against others (people of color, gays, women). Hmmm. Seems fishy to me.

These examples are what I call service materialism—serving in hopes of material reward and discrimination cloaked in the name of service. Essentially, service materialism is when you use service as a way to confirm yourself or get what you want for your own benefit.

Idiot Compassion

Another term for this kind of behavior is “idiot compassion.” In a conventional sense, acting selfless gives you accolades and confirmation from friends, coworkers and colleagues. But remember, acting selfless doesn’t mean that you are selfless. Tibetan Buddhist master Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche called acting nice and kind “idiot compassion.”

Rinpoche defined Idiot compassion as “a slimy way of trying to fulfill your desire secretly.” Or as the karmayogini journal states, “It is when you give people what they want as opposed to what they need, all in the name of being nice and compassionate [so that you can feel better yourself].”

Idiot compassion then, has serious strings attached and is all about the givers own neurotic needs and desires.

However, for some of us, idiot compassion is the doorway to true compassion. I remember in my college fraternity we would do a philanthropy just to get the University, neighbors, and national office off our backs. But once we actually got in there and rolled up our sleeves with the elementary school kids, my heart would melt and I would have a blast genuinely serving the kids.

Genuine Service & True Compassion

Genuine service on the other hand, comes from your heart and there is no need to get anything in return, such as tithing, a trophy with your name on it, a back rub, or even a thank you. However, the irony is when we serve from an open, extended heart, we naturally get something in return.

Service is when I wake up in the middle of the night, five nights in a row, to hold or comfort my upset child. It just comes out of me. And I don’t need my wife, my son, or anyone to say “good job” or “hey thanks!”

Or, you might help a stranger with a dead battery jump their car without thinking about it or expecting anything. It’s just what you do.

True compassion doesn’t have preferences such as “I’ll help this person over here, but not over there.”  Service coming from true compassion transcends social, political or religious values and extends way beyond superficial or socio-economic barriers.

I’m painting the ideal, because in reality, we are all fairly preferential in the way we serve. For example, I can’t tell you how many times, I drove on by a stranded person with a broken down car as I sped past at 75 miles/hr, unwilling to stop because “I had to get somewhere.”

People often associate compassion with being nice or kind. Being nice doesn’t really go far enough if we look at true compassion. On the other hand, true compassion is responding to a situation once you have seen things as they are.  According to Rinpoche, “Love or compassion is the open path, is associated with ‘what is.’ In order to develop love–universal love, cosmic love, whatever you would like to call it–one must accept the whole situation of life as it is, both the light and the dark, the good and the bad.”

For me, that sums it up and when I can drop my agendas, be in the moment and respond from my heart, I know that I am serving from a genuine place.

Remember to consider making service a core pillar in your own life. The world needs more, conscious, bad ass, compassionate men out there. What if your life purpose was all about service to others?

Try making a commitment to living a life of service and see what you learn along the way.

For example,

I commit to living a life of service. I will value the people around me and cultivate both the intention and capacity to help them in ways that matter to them. I seek to understand idiot compassion versus true compassion.

Bottom line? The more you can attend to yourself, the more love and compassion you will have to serve.

Wave by Lee Fenyves

Here’s a great short story to remind you of who you are.

In the early days of the Meiji era there lived a well-known wrestler called O-nami, Great Waves.

O-nami was immensely strong and knew the art of wrestling. In his private bouts he defeated even his teacher, but in public he was so bashful that his own pupils threw him.

O-nami felt he should go to a Zen master for help. Hakuju, a wandering teacher, was stopping in a little temple nearby, so O-nami went to see him and told him of his trouble.

“Great Waves is your name,” the teacher advised, “so stay in this temple tonight. Imagine that you are those billows. You are no longer a wrestler who is afraid. You are those huge waves sweeping everything before them, swallowing all in their path. Do this and you will be the greatest wrestler in the land.”

The teacher retired. O-nami sat in meditation trying to imagine himself as waves. He thought of many different things. Then gradually he turned more and more to the feeling of the waves. As the night advanced the waves became larger and larger. They swept away the flowers in their vases. Even the Buddha in the shrine was inundated. Before dawn the temple was nothing but the ebb and flow of an immense sea.

In the morning the teacher found O-nami meditating, a faint smile on his face. He patted the wrestler’s shoulder. “Now nothing can disturb you,” he said. “You are those waves. You will sweep everything before you.”

The same day O-nami entered the wrestling contests and won. After that, no one in Japan was able to defeat him.

Notice the ways in which you are different in private versus social settings. Do you excel in isolation and struggle to bring your gifts and magic into the public sphere? If so, what are you going to do about it?

At perhaps no other time in history are you needed. Seriously.  Chew, digest, share. If not a Tsunami, then what metaphor are you identified with?

This Koan comes from a great Zen Koan site. Check it out here.