Photo by F. Montino (creative commons)

When you think of you and rage, what comes to mind? Do you picture yourself smashing cars with a baseball bat like I do? Or do you immediately think “I don’t get angry or enraged, that’s just not me.”

Have you personally ever felt rage? Homicidal rage? Rage at a lover? The world? The “system?” or whatever?

And, when you add the two elements of rage + men, what comes to mind? It is common to think the worst. Criminals, rapists, murderers, war, and extreme forms of violence. Rage often kills, destroys, and damages people and things.

I think that we can agree that most forms of rage are hurtful and beyond hurtful.

However, I want to introduce another slant on rage.  This is the rage-reframe that you and the world needs. I need and want your rage.

What is Rage?

First, what is rage exactly and where does it come from?

Without jumping into a thesis on rage and the human brain, here are a few basic aspects of rage. Think of rage as a geyser. Let’s say anger is near the surface, maybe it’s the steam, the boiling water, the heat. Rage on the other hand, comes from deep down within the geyser. Rage is “superheated” and can cause a great deal of damage.

Rage is commonly brought on by fear–a threat to some part of yourself. When you are threatened, your brain instantly reacts with a fight, flight, or freeze response. Rage can also be a reaction to protect deep, deep shame. (Read more about the biochemistry of rage here).

Why is my rage wanted/needed?

As I said before, I need and want your rage. You might be thinking WTF? Rage equals violence, no way. Rage only hurts.

While it is true that rage has caused much of the devastation around the globe since the invention of agriculture, and we can safely assume, largely at the hands of men, a new kind of rage is needed. Call it “conscious rage” or as my friend Christiane Pelmas calls it “rage-in-service-of-life.”

Christiane writes in her ReWilding blog:

Men are responsible for egregious violence against life. It has been this way for at least four millennia. Yet in order for something different to arise men must cultivate a functional relationship with the very emotion responsible for so much of the violence. They must be reacquainted with their rage, allowing it to come out of the shadows and take its place alongside the (only slightly) more accepted emotions of love and grief.

A man’s rage is a powerful portal back to the deepest heart connection he has with the world and with himself. We need masculine rage-in-service-of-life as desperately as we need rain forests, clean oceans, mountaintops, and wild-flowing unobstructed rivers.

I could not agree more. We men must own our rage and use it for the greater good. Otherwise, your stuffed rage, or your buddy’s sloppy rage will cause harm, period. Moreover, if you have not dealt with your own rage, chances are you won’t be that helpful with anyone else’s.

From my experience as a former wilderness therapy counselor and psychotherapist with very enraged teenagers and men, and struggling with my own rage, I learned a few things about this volatile emotion.

The current approach to rage

Because men have little to no training in regards to expression of anger and rage, and because most men are scared of their emotional world, they typically respond to rage in one of two ways:

1.  The Nice Guy—This is usually the first tactic men use. Don’t go there. Just bottle it up. You might hurt someone or get hurt. Fake a smile and act like everything’s fine.

2.  The Spaz—Once a man realizes he’s tired of being nice, or he can no longer contain such a strong emotion, it bleeds out. Scream, yell, fight, attack, and defend. Largely, because these men have no training, they act like a hurt infant and throw a tantrum.

Both of these approaches have one thing in common–FEAR. Fear is the foundation of unconscious, dissociated rage. So long as fear is on board, you will likely cause harm. See diagram below.

Likewise, the culture responds in one of two ways: 1) by egging rage on, (screaming fans at a fight) or 2) shutting it down with anger management. Conventional anger management essentially means you receive tools to help you further suppress your rage and anger.

To feel rage is to be human. All of us have felt rage at some point from infancy onward. It is human to feel shame, to feel threatened, and to want to defend yourself. The animal part of our brain acts like an animal for a reason–so we can survive.  But the neocortex, or front part of our brain, comes in with some form of social conditioning such as “it’s not okay to express rage.” Thus rage becomes compounded and pressurized.

We all know that if feeling rage means you are human, it does not give you the right to uncork it and explode on a stranger, a co-worker, or a lover.

Remember, when you stuff your anger and rage over and over and you then add the stress of a failing marriage, a long day at the office, money issues, and you lack the tools to deal, a mundane event such as a person cutting you off on the highway or driving too slow in “your” lane, can trigger a massive outburst which can lead to real harm.

I personally stuffed my anger and rage for so long that when I would drink too much in college and someone rubbed me the wrong way, I would blow a gasket and go ape shit. My stuffed rage would explode out of me resulting in fights, verbal assaults, and other behavior that had me feeling a great deal of shame the following days and weeks.

But isn’t anger okay for men to express?

On the other hand, men in this culture seem to be “somewhat allowed” to express anger, and even rage. Especially if it’s finger pointing, blame, and fighting. Watch sports, TV reality shows, far-right or far-left politics. Men are often encouraged to “fight it out.” And if you don’t fight, you can be seen as too feminine, or gay.

And if no one ever taught you how to work with your anger/rage, you will likely respond as you did as a young infant boy; kick, scream, throw a tantrum, or shut down. (Sadly, if a woman gets enraged and shows it consciously or unconsciously, she’s labeled a psycho bitch).

Bottom line for men?  You are left with a contradictory message. Stuff it and play nice or intimidate and bully by throwing a tantrum. So even while men have more “permission” to show anger/rage, the contradictory message promotes suppression, confusion, and perhaps eventually violence.

What is the alternative?

Since these two choices suck, I suggest a third.

When you step back from most unconscious rage experiences and think with your heart, from a place of compassion, there is another way.

Conscious Rage–The revolutionary approach to rage

Rage sitting on top of love will simply have a different impact.

As Christiane invites, what if your rage was a powerful portal back to your heart connection with yourself and the world? What if you could use your rage as a lightning rod for transformation, peace, justice, and “right-action?” What if you felt safe enough to really go there and express your rage in a conscious way?

I am suggesting we acknowledge that we have anger and/or rage and that we can use that energy for the greater good. In other words, begin to form a conscious relationship to your rage.  While you are at it, do this with all of your emotions.

Try it on that it is actually possible to feel your rage fully and not cause any harm to yourself or anyone else.  How? By loving.

So, hopefully your brain is confused by now and you are open to doing rage and anger differently.

And, if you are one of those guys who claims, “I just don’t get angry.” Try it on that you are not connected to your own anger or rage and in turn, you are lacking life force. Anger and rage can be a gateway back to your personal power, passion, and the life force that can inspire you and others to make a difference.

Here are several pointers to get started.

1.  Acknowledge how destructive unconscious, man-rage can be.

2.  Acknowledge your rage and own it. Clean up your “old rage” that is still in you from old hurts and wounds. If you are scared of this aspect of yourself, find a good therapist or practitioner to help you sort it out.

3. Welcome this new view on rage and consider that your personal rage (coming from love) is needed.

4. Know the difference between your unconscious rage and your conscious rage. What is the difference for you? What does it feel like? See if you can find a form of rage in you that would come from love.

5. Take a course in non-violent communication. Become emotionally literate so your emotions don’t own you.

6. Practice working with your rage using the exercise below.

7. Join a men’s group and ask the men to support you in fumbling through this one by practicing expressing rage with other men in a safe way.

Finally, remember that rage in and of itself is NOT the issue. A man’s relationship to rage is the issue.

Working with rage– practice

Do this practice in a safe place, sitting or lying down with your eyes closed.

Visualize the thing you love the most in the world. Feel your heart, your love and your connection to this thing/person. Where in your body do you feel this? What is it like?

Now visualize that thing/person being taken from you.

Notice what happens next inside your body and what thoughts come online.

Take off the label of rage and feel the rage as energy in your body. Notice body sensations (tingling, heat, cold, vibrations, shaky, etc.) Pay special attention to your pelvis and jaw, common places we hold rage. Find the center of it. What is it like?

Find the “NO WAY CAN I LET THIS HAPPEN” in you that would protect that thing you love the most at all costs. Find the strength by identifying a resource somewhere in your body that could rise up to meet the situation.

Track your fear versus love. Tease out how a fear response might be different than a love response. Is fear above the rage or underneath it?

Stay with this energy until it dissipates. The only way over your rage is through it. You must feel it fully.

Notice that anger or even rage when coming from LOVE feels different than when your rage/anger is coming from FEAR.

At the core of your rage is either love or fear and sometimes both are involved. Commit to responding from love as opposed to fear.

If you could do anything with this energy what would you do? Would you hit stuff? Break things? Or would you just embrace the wild energy in your body and ride its wave?

]]> http://revolutionaryman.com/2010/03/men-and-rage/feed/ 2 http://revolutionaryman.com/2010/03/how-are-you-stepping-up/ http://revolutionaryman.com/2010/03/how-are-you-stepping-up/#comments Tue, 02 Mar 2010 20:38:49 +0000 jayson http://revolutionaryman.com/?p=1551

It’s not everyday that you can make a big decision like this to move your life forward and help others at the same time. Believe it or not, you are needed.

Please do everyone a favor and take a small step forward today toward your dreams and help a brother while doing so. Life might start to take on a whole new meaning!

Men and Women: This is your chance to give us men some honest feedback. Where do we need to improve? What do you want to see more of? Less of?

This is part one of a three-step project I’m cranking out. Don’t worry, this is not meant to just focus on the negative with men. Quite the contrary. However, we need a real-time assessment from everyday people like you. I want a baseline and some collective input from as many men and women as possible.

I only need one statement from you.

I realize I’m asking you to generalize, and it will be most helpful if you think of yourself (if you are a man) or the men in your lives. We men might actually benefit from it.

If you are down to help out, keep reading.

Let’s look at the current sociological landscape of masculinity by quickly reviewing what some experts say.

If you watched the Superbowl this year, you saw the barrage of lame-ass ads directed toward men. Here is a great commentary on them by Mark Morford of SFGate called Ode to the Whipped White Male.

The trend seems to be building about the utter confusion men find themselves in today. Although men are still largely in power, women are outpacing men in the workforce for the first time ever. Women’s empowerment programs are all over the world and are having a significant impact.

What about boys and men?

According to Raising Cain, a PBS documentary, “America’s boys are in trouble. They are the most violent in the industrialized world. Many are unable to express their emotions. On average, boys are doing worse in the classroom than they were 10 years ago.”

Once they become “adults” young men stay adrift longer, putting off growing up as long as humanly possible. This group becomes trapped in Guyland. As of early 2010, one in five men were unemployed. Most conventional mainstream guys are confused, lost, depressed, or putting on a show and pretending to be happy. I have written about this a bit in a previous post “Why men are boys and what can be done about it.”

So then, what about men’s empowerment programs? Can’t they help? Well, uh…..um……yeah…..

While there are many high quality men’s programs out there including mine, it is still commonplace for men to subscribe to the old-school “go-it-alone” mentality. Not only that, but the conventional mainstream man pokes fun of men’s work and men’s empowerment programs calling them “gay,” “stupid,” “weak,” or “new agey,” which, in the end, reveals more about that man’s fears than about the programs themselves.

Even in a recent Daily Show parody, BetterMen.org was made fun of for men sitting around in a circle acting like “vagina-men.”

So, if a man “stays the course” he is screwed, and if he chooses to “man up” and do some work on himself, he is made fun of.

Alas, many men have found themselves in a collapsed stupor, driving their dodge charger as fast as possible to their man-cave, as Morford suggests, to play video games, watch sports, drink beer, and resent their wives and girlfriends. All the while they “pretend” everything is fine.

As a guy who has worn the conventional guy-land hat for years, I know the territory well. I walked in his shoes far past a mile, both sober and drunk, way too many times. I know the pain and I know the mask that covers it up.

Now, forget what others are saying, I want to hear from you!

Here’s how it works:

What is your personal experience of men? Think of the men in your life and look around. Your boss, your father? Your son? Co-workers, boyfriends, husbands, Ex-husbands? What pains you the most about yourself as a man, other men, or a man in your life?

What blind spots do you see men having? Where does society stand to benefit the most if these changes could be realized?

What matters here, is what you think of men. Forget the stats, what is your take? Where are us guys at right now? What is our problem? Please only focus on where we can improve.

What’s “right” about men is coming. Remember, this is part one of a big project I’m working on. I can hardly wait to share it! Stay tuned…

My goal is to get 100 responses from anyone and everyone about what you see as the big issues  men have today. I want brutal honesty!

I will create a video with the most common, most powerful responses and give you credit. This will then serve as our jumping off point to go further toward change, wholeness, and visioning a brighter future.

What I need from YOU!

Send me one statement with your feedback for men everywhere.

Women: Pretend you have every man’s full attention. You could say anything and they would completely listen and then make that change. If you could give us feedback in one statement about where we could grow, what is it? Make it personal. Think of the men you know in your life that need some honest feedback. Consider it an offering to them.

Men: Think of what you personally struggle with the most in your life and chances are you are far from alone. There are other men like you. Look at your circles. Think of your Dad, your brothers, your friends and colleagues?  Take a moment to acknowledge you are not perfect and even you could use a pep talk. Make it personal. Your feedback is service to your fellow man.

Other: If you don’t identify as man or woman, what do you think we need from your unique perspective?

Pick the absolute most important issue to you and write it here in one sentence by finishing this sentence…

My constructive feedback for MEN is….

Then leave your name (first and/or last), age, and home city.

You are welcome to submit a photo (of yourself or of men) for the video. The more personal it is, the more of an impact we can have.

Remember, keep it to one sentence only please!

Just reply to this post below, leave a comment below, or email me your feedbac: info@revolutionaryman.com

Want to know an man’s biggest fear?

Some might say “the unknown,” “being broke,” “not being loved,” or “not being in control.” While these top the list, there are a few fears much deeper, mostly unconscious, and more secret that most dudes just won’t admit they have or have had.

The three big fears that stem from outdated male conditioning are:

1. Being perceived as gay
2. Being perceived as too feminine
3. A fear that your cock is not big enough, and therefore you are not adequate

If this is true that men fear these, then it is also true that these are the three areas to exploit and shame another man.

Men who are insecure in one or more of these areas will be highly susceptible to ridicule in these areas. However, he will do his best to hide it.  The mask he will wear will be thick and seemingly impenetrable. Be honest. Ask yourself from boyhood until now if you have feared these. I have feared all of these at some point in my life.

Let’s take a quick look at all three.

1. Being perceived as gay

Since so many men are simply out of touch with who they really are, and are fundamentally insecure, being called “gay” can be very threatening. For these men, gay = bad, wrong, weak, womanly, sensitive, and less than.

Think about it. In conventional male culture (particularly for teens and young men), the biggest put down you can give another man is to call him a fag. Men joke in this way all the time. But underneath the joke is a hidden truth. That to the men giving the put down, they are deeply afraid that they will be seen as homosexual or gay and they know the other man might have questions too.

Prior to having any self-awareness whatsoever, I shamefully admit that in college I participated in gay bashing by calling my male friends who I perceived had more feminine character traits. At the same time, I did my best to hide any aspect of myself that I felt was weak or revealed how incredibly sensitive I was.  I also questioned my sexuality in adolescence and had no one to talk to about it. So, like a guy’s guy, I puffed up, I hid it, and instead made fun of others.

Rapper Eminem was asked by MTV’s Kurt Loder in 2001 why he used “faggot” in all his songs to put down other men. Eminem responded:

The lowest degrading thing you can say to a man when you’re battling him is to call him a faggot and try to take away his manhood. Call him a sissy, call him a punk. “Faggot” to me doesn’t necessarily mean gay people. “faggot” to me just means taking away your manhood.

Sadly Eminem’s view is very common. And, even if it wasn’t meant as a putdown to gays, it is. Talk to most gay folks. Using “gay” or “fag” as a putdown perpetuates aggression, disrespect, and even violence toward gays.

Anti-gay behavior is so ingrained in our culture and starts from day one. If a little baby boy so much as gets a toy that looks like a “girl toy” he might be teased by a nearby watchful adult as gay or girly. So begins the cycle of the boycode.

William Pollack PHD, coined the phrase “boycode” to suggest that boys are put in what he calls a gender straight-jacket as early as infancy. Boys must only act like boys and if they cry, whine, don’t play sports, or wear girl-colored clothing, they are not being a boy. Sadly, this behavior is conditioned largely by fearful, insecure, adult men who do not want to be seen having a boy who is “not acting like a boy.”

Boys are conditioned to be boys and boys in most modern cultures have a “do’s and don’ts list” of behaviors. Since boys have no formal initiation in this culture, “adult boys” model boyhood and manhood, which becomes an incredibly narrow version of masculinity, and sadly one we are dealing with right now.

Michael Kimmel in his book Guyland pinpoints the “guycode”  which grows out of the boycode. The guycode is essentially the same as the boycode, but for adult men. It’s just another box we men buy into.

Read their books as this is not meant to serve as a research project. Rather it is to pinpoint the sad but obvious truth about the mainstream man in this culture.

Gay men are just as much men as straight men. Practice acceptance.

2. Being perceived as too feminine

I remember playing golf as a boy. If I putt the ball short of the hole, the older men used to say, “hit it Alice” to imply I was putting like a woman because I didn’t hit the ball hard enough. I also remember in college challenging other men to drink more by calling them “skirts” if they were not keeping up (as if 10 or 12 beers was not enough).

In men’s sports, coaches often uses terms such as “ladies” to describe men who are not stepping up, who are quitting, or who are acting weak. Even in the blockbuster Avatar, the “bad guys” called each other ladies to motivate each other.

Think of the cost here with our teenage boys. When boys and adolescent boys are trained day in and day out to put each other down with “girl,” “pussy,” “vagina,” “cunt,” etc, over time the association becomes entrenched. It can start out pretty innoscent, but pretty soon, this bleeds over to how boys treat girls. They begin to disrespect girls in an ongoing way and use “girl behavior” as the big put down to each other. They attempt to push away the feminine because they are doing their best to hide the feminine aspects of themselves.

Boys will hide any vulnerable or seemingly feminine aspects of themselves or face the ridicule of their peers and thus not belong or feel accepted by their peer group.

Tragically, boys will bury anything about themselves that resembles a girl.

3. A fear that your cock is not adequate

The other big diss boys and guys dish out to each other is to insult another man’s penis.  Find a way to call attention to another man’s inadequacy by attacking his privates. No wonder boys and men are so uncomfortable talking about their cocks, their sexual fears, or inadequacies. No wonder shame begets shame.

Countless men (and women) have fears of being inept, impotent, inadequate, worthless, not good enough, and not man enough. Men often associate these with their cock and their cock’s performance. In traditional guy culture your cock = your success. If your cock works, gets action with women only, and is big, then you are a man.

What nonsense. And yet this is often what young boys learn through other men, the media and through porn.

Internet porn thus becomes the guidepost for boys who have nowhere to turn. The basic message for a boy or man watching porn is the same as above. “Use your cock to take her, thrust, fuck, be in charge, dominate, control,” because that is supposedly what she wants. Again, another box. Boys and men buy into the box and if anything happens outside the box, there must be something wrong with you.

Believe it or not, your cock is fine just the way it is. You are adequate. Even if you lose your erection or believe you have a small penis, you are enough. It’s commonly understood that most women don’t care about size.

My advice:

1. The re-frame. Your vulnerability is your strength. Yup. Believe it or not, your vulnerability is your strength. Not in mainstream culture or traditional manhood of course. But who cares? If you read this blog, you are not a conventional, mainstream man. You are more conscious than that. Start acting like you are.

2. Be yourself and stop giving a shit what others think of you. Seriously. Have the balls to be yourself (not your ego-self) and blast out of the box your culture, your father, or your peers put you in.

3. Grow up. Move on past this juvenile behavior. Lead the way and practice not buying into these 3 fears. They only serve to keep you inside that box. You don’t need them. At the same time if you are secure in who you are as a man, skip dissing other men by using these deeply entrenched jabs. You just perpetuate aggression, violence, and intolerance in people that are different than you. If you are scared and want to protect yourself, fine. But get some new tools, seriously.

4. Start respecting your fellow man, no matter who they are. That’s right, criminals, democrats, republicans, gay, straight, black, white, red, brown, yellow. Practice acceptance and start with the guy staring you in the face everyday.

5. Challenge him. If you want to help another man step up, challenge him to reach his potential.

6. Call him out. When a man is thirty-five and he is acting like a boy, call him on that. This does not mean if a man is crying he is acting like a boy. Men cry. I cry. Crying and showing strong emotion is a sign of strength. But if he acts like he is fourteen or is trapped in “guyland” and refuses to be a man, call him out. Demand more from him.

7. Get out of the gender box. Men come in all shapes, colors, and sizes. Be careful about how you put boys (including your own children) in a gender box. Let your son be emotional, sensitive, and free. If he plays with dolls, get curious about why you care so much. It’s likely that you are afraid what others will think of you. Encourage him to be himself and trust himself, not some version of your rigid self. Do the same with your adult male friends and colleagues.

I have been known to challenge a man’s manhood to this day. I feel okay about it. Why? Because I am demanding that he act like an adult and be truthful with who and what he is. I want the best out of him. I demand what is behind his mask. I want his authentic version of him, not some box that his culture put him in. I don’t have some outdated, stoic, John Wayne version of manhood. That’s a bunch of crap.

If you decide to challenge another man’s manhood, come from a place of honor and respect and remember tip number 3. We can and do challenge each other as men. But let us do it by building one another up without disrespecting someone else or comparing ourselves to anyone.

This World needs less “adult boys” and more open-hearted, fearless, conscious men. Will you be one of them?

Here is a great question from one of my clients.

As many of you know, once you start engaging in personal development work, be it getting some coaching, going to therapy, or finding a spiritual path, many of your closest friends and family members might feel very uncomfortable with the “new you.”

Here’s a great example that some of you might appreciate, followed up with some useful tips.

Here’s my client’s question:

Last night I had dinner with my bro.  We got on the topic of “what the f*ck am I doing?” with all my time, going to spiritual talks etc.

My bro gave me a piece about, “You need to be clear with your friends what you’re doing since you are so out of touch, you need to be clear with Mom and Dad.  People need you/ want you back.  No one understands what is going on with you”.  I was patient for a while, and then I got angry and heated.  I started defending myself, fired up.

How have you dealt with friends and family who didn’t understand what you were doing during personal development work?  I offered my bro an answer from one of your blogs – “it may look selfish, but I’m trying to work on myself to be a better person”.  My bro said “what problems do you have – we were blessed growing up.  What are you angry about?  You shouldn’t be so angry.  Don’t feel bad”  Of course, this only stoked the flames even higher.

I’m feeling angry, pissed, locked up and helpless.  If you have any thoughts to share I’d appreciate.

So what is going on here?

This is a classic example of how other people are threatened by a man’s personal growth and evolution.

I remember this process vividly for myself. As I dove deep into my own personal development work and spiritual practice I heard comments like this: “We like the old Jay better than the new Jay.” or “Yeah bro, we were thinking about having an intervention with you,” as If I was an alcoholic or something.

In systems theory, when one aspect of any system changes, it disrupts the entire system or the homeostasis of the system.

As you change and evolve, the system, which is your old friends and family members, feels a threat and does it’s best to keep you in your old role. This happens largely unconsciously on their end. This can be one painful aspect of differentiating from your family.

If they were able to talk about it and had some skills, they might say things such as, “When you change and grow, I get scared because I no longer know how to be with you or relate to you.” or “When I can’t place you into the role I’ve always known you in, I feel threatened, scared, and uncomfortable.” or “I feel safe and secure knowing who I think you are and when you show me signs of something different, I feel very uncomfortable and I start to question myself.”

So, what to do?

Whether or not you understand them and their process is irrelevant.

You must make staying with yourself and your experience and much higher priority than getting their approval or having them understand you. It can be really tempting to try and change them or make them get it. But chances are they will never get it, or get you.

(Talk to gay men and women. Generally speaking, they know this landscape well. Specifically reach out to fearless gay people who have already faced the gauntlet of judgments/ridicule from others in their coming out process).

Here are a few pointers.

1.  Let go. Let go of wanting them to understand you and accept that they won’t. If you get lucky and they do, celebrate it.

2.  Feel your Feelings. Feel what arises in you around your family/friends not understanding or getting you. There may be a lot of anger, resentment, or deep grief and loss knowing that those whom love you the most understand and support you the least.

3.  Feel part 2. Feel your aloneness and the pain around that.

4.  Notice your need. Notice the part of you that still wants to be liked and accepted. Meet that need yourself and stop looking outside yourself for validation.

5.  Get a new community. Surround yourself with folks that do see you, understand you, and support your evolution. If I wanted to stay in the old me, I would hang around old friends that continue to box me in to who I used to be. If however, I want to grow, I must find folks who are growing also. Get a badass men’s group going.

6.  Set a boundary. Take some space away from those old friends/family members while you sort things out. Be direct with them and let them  know you are going away for a while. Do this as consciously as possible. If you need to stop returning phone calls because it feels too hard, give yourself permission to do that for while until you get clear on how to communicate with them.

7.  Make a request. If you family/friends blame you or tell you “Don’t feel angry etc…” request that they not tell you how to feel. In the above example, my client’s brother was very invalidating. Hear him out, then make a request.

8.  Be direct and tell them how you feel. Stay with yourself without judging them. For example, my client could say, “I’m feeling angry, pissed, locked up and helpless. I feel completely unseen and unsupported by you right now.”

9.  Set another boundary. If your family/friends continue to invalidate you because they lack the skills to dive into what is really going on for them, let them know that you are no longer willing to be spoken to that way and you need a break from the relationship for a while. Put a timeframe on it.

10. Own your shame. If you feel shame or embarrassed by your new growth kick, own that. It’s normal. Know that there is also a part of you that doesn’t want you to grow or change. Stay in relationship with that part of yourself.

11. Be fearless. If all else fails, be true to yourself and your path. F*ck everyone else. It’s time to stop giving a shit what others think of you. We don’t have time to “convince” anyone of what we are up to.

When you work on yourself in a genuine way, plan on pissing others off. Plan on losing friends. Plan on the worst. And, if you get support, welcome it.

Roll up your sleeves and change anyway. Continue to be fearless and follow what you know will serve you and the greater good.

See also Isn’t personal growth just selfish?

We just concluded the first weekend of the Revolutionary Man Leadership Training. Wow, what a ride. And, it’s only the beginning. Remember, these men, now a tribe, will be “in the soup” together for six months! Two more weekends in Boulder and a lot of time processing and expanding in-between.

I personally had an amazing time. I laughed, I cried, I raged, danced, screamed, connected, listened, facilitated, and led. Together, we rocked it and fearlessly explored unknown territory.

Thirteen brave, badass participants and 11 staff (and guest staff!) all helped to create this very, very powerful experience. We went inward this first weekend. We dug deep into the first pillar of revolutionary manhood—self-knowledge.

For six months this circle of men will challenge each other, help each other gain clarity, give no bullshit feedback, hold one another accountable, and support one another.

These men now have each other’s back. Do you have a group of men like this in your life? If not, what are you going to do about it?

Notice as you watch these testimonials what happens for you.

Check ‘em out.

Ask yourself what are you doing to expand in 2010? What kind of accountability and support do you have?

Photo by Josh Levin

This is going to seem like a no brainer, but it’s amazing to me how many guys out there have no idea what they want. What about you?

If someone asks you “What do you really want?” What is your response?

In the first session I always ask the men I coach “What do you want?”  Typically they think they know. After they describe it to me, I reflect back this fuzzy, vague picture back to them. They are often unclear whether it’s their short term vision or long term vision.

I ask, “Is that really your ideal?” Wow, is that all you want, seriously?

I have mentioned this in a few prior posts about finding your purpose and a recent post about lasting change.

So here is a simple technique to help you get very, very clear (I go into more detail in coaching someone).

The basic flow is this…

Step 1. Identify where you are. Hard to know what is next when you don’t even know who you are or where you are. Get your “self-knowledge” on.

Step 2. Get clear. The key here is to get very, very clear. The universe likes clarity. The more crystal clear you are, the more you are in touch with what you want and the more likely it is to happen.

I like to suggest a short term want list and a long term want list. In one year, I want…

In 15 years, I want…

I also suggest to do this process from a place that would have you very fulfilled and at peace internally. Don’t list “stuff” that makes your ego happy.

Step 3. Feel it and envision it. Think about waking up tomorrow morning and everything you wanted suddenly appeared. Everything. What would your day look like? What would you be doing? Where would you be working? Who else is in the picture? Wife? Kids? Close friends? A team? Or is it just you in solitude? Are you self-employed? Do you work in a community? Get as detailed as possible. Close your eyes, envision it, and feel it. Imagine having it. What does that feel like in your body? What emotional quality is there?

Step 4. Get it out. I suggest making a list of everything you want in great detail. Paint it, draw it, sing it, and even use a vision board.

Step 5. Share it. The more you “put it out there” the more likely it is to happen. Share it with close friends, your partner, or your men’s group. Get some honest feedback.

Step 6. Look at what is in the way. Not the potential road blocks that your mind creates about how impossible it will be, but the more subtle ways you will likely sabotage getting it. See diagram below…

Step 7. Get help. I don’t care who you are, you will not be able to do this part alone so get some accountability and support. Blocks and Blind spots can only be uncovered through feedback from a therapist, a coach, a shaman, a psychic, or a men’s group.

Step 8. Choose. Once you are clear and once you see the map in front of you, make a decision to go for it or not. Choice = power. Otherwise, you end up like most unhappy people who let life sort of happen to them. Passive = No power.

if you do decide to go for it, make a commitment to do “whatever it takes at whatever the cost” to get there!

Make a commitment to not be a bystander to your own life. Seriously.

Rock it. It’s your life and you have only one (as far as you can tell, right?).

I have some good news and some bad news.

The good news?

A major film has been made about men’s groups. It’s called, quite simply, Men’s Group. You can watch the trailer below.

The fact that an actual big screen movie was made to document the power of a men’s group is pretty freakin’ cool.

Moreover, the movie’s  characters are compelling. In my view the men in the film represent a large majority of men who are shut down and scared of true male connection.

The bad news?

It is a good example of how NOT to run a men’s group. If any man sees this expecting that this is how to run a men’s group, you are terribly mistaken.

This is somewhat tragic. If I were a guy out there who was a little scared of joining a men’s cirlce, this movie would close the deal as a “no way” for me.

Bad leadership, resistant participants, major withholds, zero accountability, hurtful feedback and an overall unsafe container with no trust is how this group is run.

All of that said, the movie is quite riveting.

Make sure you watch Paul Whyte below, the man who was the inspiration for this movie, as he  says this about the movie, “Men’s Group is my list of what you don’t do in a Men’s group.” (At 2:17 if you want to fast forward to hear him). Ha, ha. I’m glad he said that.

Paul, clearly knows what it takes to run a good men’s circle. My friend Warwick Marsh with http://fatherhood.org.au/ and the man who runs the International Men’s Day website, said that the director of the movie took Paul’s idea and ran with it to make it a good movie.

Who knows, some men’s groups out there might a be very boring movie. I’m certain that my men’s group would be a powerful movie that would serve men everywhere. What about yours?

While this movie is a great drama and shows the shadow (dark side) of men and their fear of intimacy, it is definitely not the way to run your men’s circle. For that reason alone, it is absolutely worth watching.

You can purchase it here.

Photo by Josh Levin

It’s near the new year, the solstice has happened and the days are getting longer. This translates into you giving birth to another aspect of yourself, your vision, and what you want in your life.

Or, it leads to another year gone by….

For years, I worked in wilderness therapy programs for troubled teens. The kids sent to these programs were often kidnapped by “escorts” in the middle of the night and taken to a remote wilderness location for one to four months.

Ninety nine percent of the time, the kids sent to these programs didn’t want to be there. They were forced to be there by their parents and the expectation from the parents was  “fix my kid.”  From the beginning it was always a set up.

The kids would show up shut down, angry, scared, and very resistant. Within days or weeks, they understood that the key to leaving the program was to “play the game.” Many kids would fake it and others would genuinely try to change. Regardless, the fuel for their change was usually motivated by one or two forces:

• External influence. Someone outside themselves such as their parents. “If my parents want me to change, fine, I will change and be different for them.”
• Fear. Fear of consequences and fear of rejection and abandonment. “If I don’t change, then I might loose my freedoms and the people I love the most.”

Because changes kids actually did make were through one or both of these forces, change and gains in their treatment were often small and short-lived.

It is very common for anyone who works a program of any kind, be it addiction recovery, an eating disorder, a fitness/diet program, or a simple new year’s resolution, to “relapse” into their old ways a few months after starting. Why? Because the motivation for change did not come from deep inside.

Most of the kids in the wilderness programs lacked this fundamental intrinsic desire to transform.  They felt pressure from the grown ups and so they tried to change for them. We adults are no different.

The same is true in a relationship with a lover. It often goes like this:

A man is brought into couples counseling by a woman who is unhappy with the way her man is being. She is hungry for more of him. She sees his potential and yearns for him to reach it. But he is somewhat comfortable in “his way” and lacks tools to tap into his potential so he gets lazy and cozy watching sports and distracting himself by working on other “projects.” She gets frustrated and asks him to change. He feels pressured, caves in, and tries to change for her without really getting inspired  himself to be different. Know anyone like this?

Rarely does this kind of couples counseling work. Until the man is ready and willing to change he won’t change. Whatever small gains he makes will be for her. This eventually leads to resentments and further disconnection.

This set up also works with our relationship to ourselves. We have two parts. One voice says “You should change and go to the gym 5 days/week.” The other voice, mostly unconscious to us, with more power says, “Fuck you, you can’t tell me what to do.” And so goes our internal struggle.

Do you feel an inner conflict sometimes?  Or are you hiding out in some way? Coasting along in a mediocre relationship? Drifting from you own path in a dead-end job? Or do you claim you want something in your life to be different but you just can’t make it happen? What will it take for you to change?

In my article on spirituality, I mention 3 things it takes for men to “find” spirituality:

• When things fall apart. Through a major life crisis or intense suffering personally or relationally.
• Intrinsic motivation. Through intense longing and hunger for more in life
• Solitude -Spending a considerable amount of time alone

It is the same with personal change, growth, and transformation. And this is the secret to lasting change that sticks.

Said in another way…

Option A-action

You must be willing to do whatever it takes to change the thing you want changed.

That’s right, whatever it takes and at whatever the cost.

So, if you are up to the task, make a commitment, both to yourself and out loud with another person. Something like this:

I commit to doing anything and everything in my power to change _______, and get the results that I desire. (this is commitment 11 of the 10 commitments to manhood).

Remember, this is not about changing another person or something outside of your locus of control. Pick something about yourself that you want to change.

For example, a client recently told me “I want deeper, more connected relationships. I want to work through whatever blocks I have to intimacy and love.” First he is clear on what he wants, next he can make a commitment to change it and put an action plan in place to work on it.

When I was 29 years old, I was in a lot of pain and I was suffering. My relationships would only go so deep. I longed for more. At the same time, I always blamed the woman and refused to look at myself.

But at 29 and with ten or more years of limited results and unfulfilled relationships, I hit a tipping point. My pain was so substantial and my desire for gain was so strong that I was ready. I remember saying to myself and my therapist at the time, “I am willing to do whatever it takes to get better results.”

That was a big moment in my life and it is what sent me on a personal evolution path that continues today.

Note: If you don’t take option A, you invite the default option B which may or may not happen before you die. Let’s look at option B.

Option B-passive

You wait for something bad to happen to you.

I have not shared this one in a while, but for years I wanted something bad to happen to me so in order for me to change, and then my life would have meaning. I wished that some doctor would tell me I had six months to live or that I had some rare disease and that I would lose my legs. Can you relate? Maybe I’m just weird.

I didn’t know about option A until the slow 10-year burn turned to unbearable frustration and reached a critical mass.  At that point I stopped looking outward and turned my attention on my own games and bullshit and asked, “What if I’m the problem?”

It was then that I realized that there was hope for me. But it would take some brutal personal work to get the results that I so yearned for.

Marketing experts know that you want to wait for option B and through this, they prey upon you. Mainstream ad campaigns promise to fix your pain and to do it with ease and little effort on your part. Think about drug companies. “Take this pill or buy this product and you will feel better.” They prey upon the bystander in you that wants someone to do it for you.

Well guess what? True change will only happen when you a) want it bad enough or b) when you wait for the shit to hit the fan. And if you are in mild discomfort, you are less motivated than someone in extreme discomfort and therefore less likely to change.

See if this is true for you and your own changes that have stuck.

Are you playing the victim, waiting around for something to happen to you?  Or are you going to take full responsibility for your life, man up, and get clear about the internal changes you want to make and start today in making them?

Let’s say you are motivated by an external factor such as wanting to be a better father for your kids, this is fine in the beginning. But at a certain point, you must change for you and the desire must come from deep within you. The benefits toward others will come naturally.

You have to want it.

You must be incredibly hungry.

You must want it bad enough or you are simply waiting…

So, here’s my advice for you brave souls who are considering change.

1.  Get very clear on motivation for change. Is it for your wife/spouse/partner? Is it external? Internal? Both?

2.  Next, how bad do you want it? Rate yourself from 1-10, 10 being “I will do whatever it takes.”

3.  Then, look at your thoughts and words and see if it matches your behavior. If you make a claim you are a “10″ and want to change, but your actions are a “7″ and speak a different message, then you are not congruent and your change ain’t gonna stick.

4.  Get congruent. The more congruent you can be, the more likely change is to happen. It might not be at the pace you want or in the way you want. Congruency means that your thoughts, words, and actions all line up and say the same thing. This leads to trustworthiness and deeper integrity as a man.

5. Once you are crystal clear, take full responsibility to make the change happen and commit to it.

6.  Make an action plan and get accountability from another man or a men’s group.

7.  Hire a therapist or coach and/or find a spiritual path and community that resonates with who you are to support you.

If you don’t know what you want to change, but you know things could be different, start by getting some feedback from trusted friends. What do people really think of you? What consistent feedback do you get that pisses you off? What have your intimate partners said about you that is the same every time?

The “how” comes after you are a 10 and after you are foaming at the mouth for change.

Special note to the helpers out there that want to change someone else

If you know someone who has a ton of potential and you just know they would benefit from a personal development workshop, a coach, a therapist or a book, rather than try to change them, please own how their behavior impacts you.

This will help them understand that the cost of their inaction. Advice and sneaky suggestions are not nearly as effective as truth telling about what happens for you when they are the way they are.

It is fine to make a request from a place of love and respect. “I care about you Bob, I want to encourage you to go hire a coach to help you get better results. I’m tired of the talk with no action. I am trusting you less as a man.”

At a certain point, wanting to change someone is an act of aggression and demonstrates a fundamental lack of trust in their path and their life. Who are you to know what is best for them? Who made you the authority on what is best for them and what would help them? If they want to keep stewing in their own bullshit, they have a right to do so.

Always come back to yourself. The more self-awareness you have, the more effective you will be in the changes you so desire.

Every so often I work with someone who has been dramatically impacted by the tragic teachings of original sin.

After we do some coaching together, we uncover that they believe they are fundamentally bad, wrong, or unlovable.

How did this happen I wonder? Where in the hell did they get this kind of message? For the lucky few that had great parents and teachers, who planted this seed?

One answer—original sin and “the church.”

Reginald A. Ray, the former head of the Religious Studies program at Naropa University and long-time Buddhist teacher told me once that in his 45 years experience teaching thousands of Western students meditation, he believed that original sin is responsible for why so many people have a negative view of themselves.

Of course it’s not the only reason.

When we are little kids, we pretty much believe what the big people tell us. Hence, racisim, sexism, and various forms of fundamentalism and extremism. Parents, coaches, teachers, and organizations have a HUGE power and influence over what kids learn and digest.

Brainwashing a child is pretty easy. Any form of fundamentalism starts by brainwashing children.

If you are a parent, how is it possible to look at your new baby and think that he or she is bad, guilty, wrong, or sinful? As one of my Catholic clients recently said about his son after birth, “he was perfect!”

As a father, I couldn’t agree more. Looking at my own son I was simply blown away at how pure he looked, felt and acted. His pure innocence and splendor. His eyes, face, little toes and hands were simply perfect. I felt deep love.

But if you yourself believe that you are fundamentally worthless, bad, or wrong at your core, it is no surprise that you will pass down that teaching to your children and children you work with.

Even still, how does any smart adult take the teaching of original sin seriously? If you test this and any spiritual or religious teaching against your own experience, what conclusions do you come to?

For example, if as a child you are taught that Hispanic (or fill in the blank) people are bad or less than you, you will simply take the adults word for it as truth. Even if your own experience suggests otherwise. As you get older however, in order to confirm your narrow belief system, you select only those experiences that match what you believe, thus concretizing your view and lodging racism into your psyche even further.

Are you really willing to come to your own conclusions or will you instead trust something even though it is in conflict with your direct experience?

The Good News

I’ve worked with hundreds and hundreds of people over the years and there is always the same theme. Once we begin to genuinely work on ourselves through coaching, men’s work, psychotherapy, and spiritual practice, and we stick with it, we always uncover the truth in more or less two stages.

Stage 1. We discover that we have a whole series of limiting beliefs and insecurities that we have pushed down and kept hidden. We finally admit that we have some issues (welcome to being human) and we begin the “thawing out” process.

Stage 2. Realizing that our discovery in stage 1 is just a bunch of “old tapes” and messages that someone else gave us, we begin to see underneath these lies to a deeper truth—that we are fundamentally good and worthy of love. That’s right, once we “do the work” we start to see and experience the truth of who we are. This is a big turning point in a person’s life. Once you taste the raw freedom and magic of who you are, there’s no turning back and you just want more.

So, try it on that you were not only born perfect but that you still are fundamentally good and perfect at your core. Beneath the mask you wear, the ego trips, and BS messages from “the big people,” is a beautiful human being—trust me.

Tibetan Buddhist master Trungpa Rinpoche coined the term “basic goodness” to describe who we are at our essence. That beneath our ‘cocoon’ we are fundamentally good. To me this is true, no matter who you are.

Why? I have worked with criminals, perpetrators of domestic violence, drug addicts and severely mentally ill people who, when they let down their walls and defenses, are absolutely perfect and as just as worthy of love as anyone else.

Next Steps?

1. Test every teaching anyone gives you against your own experience.

2. Get to know yourself and see if it’s really true

3. Burn the old tape that you are fundamentally bad or wrong at your core. Light that crap on fire and start challenging systems and people (including yourself) that keep that nonsense going.

4. Stop feeding the negative voice, and starting giving the quieter, more distant voice some food.

5. Remember your inner authority

6. Trust that you are basically good and perfect beneath the mask you wear. If you still don’t believe it, ask people you love to tell you what they see.

7. If you continue to be unwilling to see the truth underneath the lies, hire someone to help you recover the deep love that you are.

Once you begin to believe that you are “good” and worthy of love and respect, you can re-orient toward the truth that is buried beneath the nonsense.

If someone you know and love actually believes the bullshit about original sin, challenge him or her by loving them and seeing their greatness.