It’s not everyday that you can make a big decision like this to move your life forward and help others at the same time. Believe it or not, you are needed.

Please do everyone a favor and take a small step forward today toward your dreams and help a brother while doing so. Life might start to take on a whole new meaning!

If there was a car accident and you were the first one the scene, chances are you would respond and immediately lend yourself to the situation. Right? Most men would step up and serve in that moment without question, without hesitation.

How is it that some guys can really step up when it matters most, but in the day to day routine of life hold back so much? What will it take for you to “respond” to the call of your life?

What mistakes have you made that have you in a career that is luke warm? What are you doing about it?

If you still reading, you are at least aware that there is a problem. If you read my blog, you know there’s more out there.

Some of you are in the initial phase of career change. Some of you are just realizing there is a problem. And others of you are well along the path, having already taken some big risks toward the future, your life purpose, and what you want.

In this culture, work matters. Even though it is only what you do, for many men it becomes your identity. And, if you don’t like your work, that has a big impact on who you are as a man and how you are showing up in the world.

If you’re anything like me, a man’s road of career development is frustrating, challenging and relentless. It’s what I wake up in the morning every day having to face.

Let’s look at the top 3 reasons you, and men like you, play it safe, hate their job and continue to hold back from what’s possible.

REASON NUMBER 1-  You Let Someone Else be the Leader.

You got on the wrong train and became a follower.  You did what you were supposed to do or needed to do, rather than what you wanted to do.

Before we dive further into this point, it is important to understand the rationale men use in their career development and what kinds of men they are. From my experience, unhappy career men are divided into four categories:

Man A. The Hamster

Somewhere along his life path, often in his 20’s, a man lands a good paying job with the potential for career advancement. Without doing a serious inquiry and innocently enough, he takes the job and then the years go by.

This man likes stability and stays in that job until he retires. This type of man was more common in my father’s generation. This man gets on the hamster wheel early and for some dog-gone reason, stays on the damn wheel.

Man B. The strategist

This guy will do some serious searching early in his career and may change jobs several times in his 20’s and even in to his 30’s until he settles with a firm or a company. He may go to grad school to pursue an MBA, to further his skills and to make more cash.

This guy stays with a job for no more than 2 years before moving on to a better job—better pay, benefits, office views, and titles with more clout and credibility.  In this case he is looking for “career advancement” and so he develops a skill set or two he is good at and finds work that supports that advancement.

Men tell me that at this stage they are climbing the corporate latter. Other men in this category have told me that they seek more challenging positions so they can continue to grow as a leader within the workplace.

Man C—The Family Man.

Family men tell me that they had to get a serious job to support the family, the mortgage, and the other responsibilities that come along with “growing up” and being an adult.

As his family grows, so does his need for more money to afford more things the family needs—a bigger house, another car, more money for schooling, more mouths to feed etc.  The upgrades often continue, as does the necessary salary to support it.

Man D—The wanderer

This unique guy attempts to find work that feeds him. This man takes some bold risks and is pretty adventurous. This guy is wandering, unclear of what to do and only takes jobs to support his lifestyle. He is pretty ambivalent about work and money, but knows there is more to life than work.

This guy often takes a low paying job supposedly “doing what he loves” but ends up doing it for a long time which leads to him feeling “stuck.”

These guys often work in the restaurant business, ski industry, retail clothing and other “service industry” related  jobs. This guy may be rebelling against what man A-C do, but is equally unhappy. (This was me).

Some men like their work, good for them

Now, to be fair, all of these types of men have the potential to be fulfilled with their work and plenty of these men are happy, fulfilled and excited about the work they do and the situation they are in. Good for them. We are not talking about them, however. We’re talking about you.

It begins to make sense why men choose career paths that they do. Which man out of the four are you? What do all of these men have in common?

Did you do what you were “supposed to do” or needed to do?  Did you stop looking for what really inspired you and so you settled? Perhaps while at the station, you just got on the career building train and found it hard to exit.

The most common theme between these men is that they let external stressors such as starting a family, debt from student loans or credit cards, a mortgage, and other peoples expectations, drive their behavior. This is known as having “external motivation” as opposed to intrinsic (or internal) motivation. And this kind of thinking is understandable.

As you know, once you are on the train and the further from the station you travel, the harder and harder it becomes to get off the train. You followed the crowd and they were on the train too!

The longer and further from the station, the more you will override that tiny voice that knows it could be different. Most men have that voice. How loud that voice is depends on the man.

Commonly, instead of directing your energy to finding your life’s work, you put that life force into career development and management, even though you don’t absolutely love your job.

You may compare yourself to your peers and end up competing against them. Some men even quietly compete against their fathers as if to prove something.

Instead of seeking for and fighting for what truly gets you up in the morning, you put that same energy into goals within a job that doesn’t fulfill you.

So, mistake number one is that for whatever reason, you became a follower.

You chose to follow instead of lead.

REASON NUMBER 2- INACTION–You didn’t know what you want to do, you still don’t know what your calling in life is and you’re doing nothing about it.

The second biggest mistake a man makes is that he collapses in the face of “not knowing” and then does not take action to “right” the situation. In other words, he has a difficult time hanging in there with the agonizing process of discovering his true purpose.

He did not engage thoroughly in the self-inquiry that is required to know what his life’s work is.  Contrary to popular belief, it is possible to love your work, fight for it and even die for it.

We are all here to do a specific task. A task that only you can do. We each have a mission to serve on the planet. However, “I don’t know what I want to do” becomes a card a man will carry around to avoid the discomfort of the unknown.

The issue is not the unknown however, it is a your relationship to it. This is a fine point that may need review. Re-read that last sentence. Your relationship to the unknown is the problem, not the unknown itself. And, here is where you need to realize that your inaction has a big price (see reason 3).

Think about it. When you were 18-22, how many guys did you know that knew without a doubt what they wanted to do with their life? How many guys did you really trust when they said they knew?

The truth is that very few men actually know what their life’s work is by the start of college and even fewer are clear after college, (although it may look like they are clear from the outside and many want you to believe that they are clear).

So, if you don’t know what you’re supposed to do, then what do you do? As we talked about, you have a couple of choices. One is to collapse into the pressures around you and become a follower. Or, you do the intense work to find out what your mission is.

Some of you might be a leader within your organization, but you’re also a follower of someone else’s vision. You compete with other men to get a better, higher paying job, maybe with status or rewards such as a big paycheck.

You don’t want to lose the race up the corporate mountain. In that world, the later you start, the less leadership opportunities there are, the less you get paid, the less chance for advancement, etc. So, it makes sense why you just found a “good job.”

At the same time, it also makes sense why so many of you are simply not satisfied or fulfilled with the work you do.

Do any of these statements sound familiar?

• “It’s not really what I want to do, but it pays the bills.”
• “it’s a respected company.”
• “It’s not really my ideal job, but the benefits are good,”
• “hey, working for the man pays the bills.”
• “I don’t have time to find work I’m happy about.”
• “yeah, wait till you have a family and then let’s talk about your ideal job.”
• “yeah, I have a lot of freedom and I can make my own schedule.”

This kind of attitude is great if you want to play it safe. But imagine you’re on a sports team and this kind of attitude is up to bat. Are you an asset or a liability to the team?

It is unlikely that you will be a game changer in this scenario. However, if you have felt this way about some aspect of your life, like your career, there’s still time for a course correction.

After a while, this not knowing becomes a comfortable place to be and a great reason stop looking around. I say this sarcastically of course. Behind the scenes, men are in a lot of pain if they have a lame job.

Most men hate the unknown. Men like to be in control. But ask yourself, would you rather be in control and somewhat comfortable in a routine, predicting your schedule and not having to do a lot of guess work?

Or, would you rather find meaningful work wherein everyday you woke up stoked about the day? Excited for the challenge that you must tackle in front of you?

Some men even tell themselves, “we’ll I’m not really the adventurous type.” Pretty soon, this is part of a false identity that they begin to believe (Story, story, story).  Now, think back to when you were a kid, did you do the same thing day in and day out?

Did you play it safe? Or, were you seeing the world as a big adventure with limitless possibilities? Did you play games and always change the rules and make stuff up?

Chances are you were like most kids and you did a lot of exploring and experimenting, even as a teenager. So, what happened to silence that adventurous spirit in you? What made you stop exploring?

Second Mistake: You don’t know what to do and you’re frozen in not knowing.As a result, your lack of action is having a big impact on those who need your help.

REASON NUMBER 3- FEAR– Fear is at the root of your inaction

Fear is likely at the underbelly of such justifications as, “I don’t really know what I want to do for work” or “It’s a well-paid, stable job.” Try it on that fear drives much of your behavior.

Even “fearless” men have fear. It’s just that they don’t collapse around it. These bold men go into it, right into the center. Many men have a fear of success or a fear of failure. What about you?

Read any leadership book and they’ll talk about fear of failure or fear of success. Try saying these statements out loud and see which one fits:

• “I am afraid to fail”
• “I don’t want to look bad in my circle of friends”
• “I don’t want to be seen as incompetent”
• “I don’t know if I can do it.”
• “I’m afraid what I have to offer is not valuable.”
• “I have better things to do with my time”
• “What if ______________(your idea) doesn’t work?”
• “What if I don’t make any money?”
• “What if I’m not good at it?”
• “What if others judge me?”

The one thing in common in the above questions? FEAR! Fear, fear, fear. How much is fear running your life? Who cares if I fail? So what? What is the worst possible thing that could happen if you really followed your own truth?

A few pointers.

First, ask yourself these three questions:

1. What would I be doing if I knew I couldn’t fail?
2. What would I do if I was not afraid?
   
3. If I had to charge into battle in 5 minutes, what noble cause would I stand up and fight for right now? Who/What would I die for in this battle?

Chances are what you would be doing in these scenarios is different from what you are currently doing. If this is true, many men will immediately list the reasons why they are not doing what they really want to be doing. That’s fine, do that.

Next, take out a piece of paper and list all the reasons why following your own truth, your own mission wouldn’t work.

List them, seriously.

Following my truth just wouldn’t work right now in my life because:

Your reasons are good ones, I’m sure very valid. But let’s you and I recognize that when you rationalize, chances are that you are in fear. Try it on. Just try saying it out loud right now, “The reason I’m not fulfilling my true mission in life is because I’m scared.” What was that like? Is it true?

If it is true that you are scared to find and follow your own deep vision, what is it going to take for you lean in to your fear? What will it take for you to be able to relate to your fear and even learn something from it?

What is the worst that could happen if you put “finding my mission” at the top of your ‘to do’ list. What would it take from quietly being run by fear, to engaging in your life in a deeper way?

THE COST OF YOUR INACTION

When we don’t act there is always a price. Think for a minute about the price tag for you not finding and not living your true mission. What is it? Perhaps there is a cost to your family or friends. Maybe the cost is that those with whom you are here to serve miss out on your greatest gift? Maybe the big cost is that you feel like you are lying to yourself and that hurts.

Men who lack a sense of inner peace and feel  “out of sorts” deep inside regarding their calling must realize that this nagging feeling will never go away until you face it.

From my own experience, men that are not living their true purpose in life are simply less potent and less effective leaders. If you have a son or daughter, think about what you are indirectly teaching them by playing it safe.

Oliver Wendell Holmes said,

“Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.” Is this going to be you?

So, the ball is in your court. Remember my car accident example in the first paragraph? Pretend a crisis is happening right now. If you can’t find a personal crisis, think about the global economic crisis. One if five men are out of work right now.  Pretend that you are needed.  Imagine that there are a lot of people that need you, your help. Will you collapse and run from the scene? What are you going to do to step up and serve?

Specifically, what next action step are you going to take toward discovering and living your life’s purpose? If you already know what your purpose is and are not living it, what steps will you take to get on it?

Write down 5 action steps you will take right now to begin this process and put time deadlines on each.

ACTION STEP                                                                                    DEADLINE

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

So, NOW WHAT?

Good question. That depends on how deep your longing is, how serious you are about making changes, and what kind of man you want to be.

And, read these similar posts:

Know what you want.

Change that Sticks

Finding your Life’s Purpose

We just concluded the first weekend of the Revolutionary Man Leadership Training. Wow, what a ride. And, it’s only the beginning. Remember, these men, now a tribe, will be “in the soup” together for six months! Two more weekends in Boulder and a lot of time processing and expanding in-between.

I personally had an amazing time. I laughed, I cried, I raged, danced, screamed, connected, listened, facilitated, and led. Together, we rocked it and fearlessly explored unknown territory.

Thirteen brave, badass participants and 11 staff (and guest staff!) all helped to create this very, very powerful experience. We went inward this first weekend. We dug deep into the first pillar of revolutionary manhood—self-knowledge.

For six months this circle of men will challenge each other, help each other gain clarity, give no bullshit feedback, hold one another accountable, and support one another.

These men now have each other’s back. Do you have a group of men like this in your life? If not, what are you going to do about it?

Notice as you watch these testimonials what happens for you.

Check ‘em out.

Ask yourself what are you doing to expand in 2010? What kind of accountability and support do you have?

The book I've had since 2003

Ever heard of the punk band “Kill Your Idols?” I love their name.  To me it speaks to how we need to differentiate from our teachers otherwise our view of them can become an impediment, or an obstacle that gets in the way of our own waking up process.

This concept or “teaching” is not new. There is even a website called Kill the Buddha after a well known Zen saying. This site sums up the concept here:

The idea of “killing the Buddha” comes from a famous Zen line, the context of which is easy to imagine: After years on his cushion, a monk has what he believes is a breakthrough: a glimpse of nirvana, the Buddhamind, the big pay-off. Reporting the experience to his master, however, he is informed that what has happened is par for the course, nothing special, maybe even damaging to his pursuit. And then the master gives the student dismaying advice: If you meet the Buddha, he says, kill him.

Why kill the Buddha? Because the Buddha you meet is not the true Buddha, but an expression of your longing. If this Buddha is not killed he will only stand in your way.

So, it is with mixed emotions, some fear, and some excitement that I share an important download I recently received.

Evolving men everywhere refer to the book Way of the Superior Man as the guidepost–a great read for any man wanting to step up his game. It was for me.

Originally I was disturbed by the arrogant title and I put off reading for over a year. Then, it kept getting mentioned so I acquiesced, bought it, and have referred to it for years.

I even joined a “Deida-style” men’s group based around the book. I recommended the book to dozens of men. I even attended his 5-day sexuality and spirituality intensive with David in New York. It rocked my world.

So, for the past six years David Deida’s book Way of the Superior Man has been a real authority for me on men, the masculine, and men/women dynamics. That is, until now.

It’s time for me to bury the book and declare this:

I am done with Way of the Superior Man. I milked this sucker for years and gleaned a lot. The teachings that resonate for me are in me now and I walk forward with them in my own way.

And now, I am burying the book and writing my own. A new men’s personal evolution book is long overdue. So, out with the old and in with the new. Stay tuned for it in 2010.

Thank you Way Of The Superior Man for your wisdom, love, truth, penetration, and insight. And thank you David Deida for writing a revolutionary book that continues to impact thousands of men everywhere. You taught me a great deal. I lay you to rest and bid you many blessings.

With love and respect,

Jayson

p.s. Watch my book burying ritual here.

Am I recommending this approach? Only if you continue to put people or books “above you” and your own inner authority after you have thoroughly digested and integrated their system or teachings.

In the beginning, when we meet an important teacher or mentor, or read a powerful book, it is appropriate to “look up to,” aspire, and consume the material deeply as any devoted student might.

But a lot of folks just don’t move on. They continue to have a bit of “hero worship” thus disempowering their own journey. So long as you do this, it is unlikely you’ll be able to step into who you need to become.

At a certain point, you need to flap your own wings and fly.

As always, seek out mentors, teachers and things that inspire you. Then, think for yourself, and trust your own inner authority.

In my last post we explored the concept of selfishness as it pertains to personal growth. To take the conversation a step further, we have to talk about service. Why? Because if you really want to talk about not being selfish, then a conversation about being self-less needs to happen.

But what is selflessness? What does that really mean? And how do I know when I am being selfish versus selfless?

I’m here to assert that by being “selfish” you can be genuinely selfless.

Selflessness, or serving and helping others, is one of the core pillars of being a revolutionary man. To live is to serve. If you want to be the kind of man leaves his mark, consider making service a central part of who you are and how you spend your time.

Conventional Service & Service Materialism

How is it that service is so often taught as “scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours?” In our modern, western culture, service seems to be fairly conditional. I’ll help you, but I expect something in return. I’ll give you my $20 million, but I want the stadium named after me.

Not only that, but service in many circles overtly excludes and discriminates against people. WTF?

For example, some religions teach that if you serve “correctly” and according to God’s will, going to heaven one day will be your reward. So rather than serve because it genuinely comes through me, I serve so that I can get the carrot– heaven.

Some groups will even teach their followers to only help certain groups of people while discriminating against others (people of color, gays, women). Hmmm. Seems fishy to me.

These examples are what I call service materialism—serving in hopes of material reward and discrimination cloaked in the name of service. Essentially, service materialism is when you use service as a way to confirm yourself or get what you want for your own benefit.

Idiot Compassion

Another term for this kind of behavior is “idiot compassion.” In a conventional sense, acting selfless gives you accolades and confirmation from friends, coworkers and colleagues. But remember, acting selfless doesn’t mean that you are selfless. Tibetan Buddhist master Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche called acting nice and kind “idiot compassion.”

Rinpoche defined Idiot compassion as “a slimy way of trying to fulfill your desire secretly.” Or as the karmayogini journal states, “It is when you give people what they want as opposed to what they need, all in the name of being nice and compassionate [so that you can feel better yourself].”

Idiot compassion then, has serious strings attached and is all about the givers own neurotic needs and desires.

However, for some of us, idiot compassion is the doorway to true compassion. I remember in my college fraternity we would do a philanthropy just to get the University, neighbors, and national office off our backs. But once we actually got in there and rolled up our sleeves with the elementary school kids, my heart would melt and I would have a blast genuinely serving the kids.

Genuine Service & True Compassion

Genuine service on the other hand, comes from your heart and there is no need to get anything in return, such as tithing, a trophy with your name on it, a back rub, or even a thank you. However, the irony is when we serve from an open, extended heart, we naturally get something in return.

Service is when I wake up in the middle of the night, five nights in a row, to hold or comfort my upset child. It just comes out of me. And I don’t need my wife, my son, or anyone to say “good job” or “hey thanks!”

Or, you might help a stranger with a dead battery jump their car without thinking about it or expecting anything. It’s just what you do.

True compassion doesn’t have preferences such as “I’ll help this person over here, but not over there.”  Service coming from true compassion transcends social, political or religious values and extends way beyond superficial or socio-economic barriers.

I’m painting the ideal, because in reality, we are all fairly preferential in the way we serve. For example, I can’t tell you how many times, I drove on by a stranded person with a broken down car as I sped past at 75 miles/hr, unwilling to stop because “I had to get somewhere.”

People often associate compassion with being nice or kind. Being nice doesn’t really go far enough if we look at true compassion. On the other hand, true compassion is responding to a situation once you have seen things as they are.  According to Rinpoche, “Love or compassion is the open path, is associated with ‘what is.’ In order to develop love–universal love, cosmic love, whatever you would like to call it–one must accept the whole situation of life as it is, both the light and the dark, the good and the bad.”

For me, that sums it up and when I can drop my agendas, be in the moment and respond from my heart, I know that I am serving from a genuine place.

Remember to consider making service a core pillar in your own life. The world needs more, conscious, bad ass, compassionate men out there. What if your life purpose was all about service to others?

Try making a commitment to living a life of service and see what you learn along the way.

For example,

I commit to living a life of service. I will value the people around me and cultivate both the intention and capacity to help them in ways that matter to them. I seek to understand idiot compassion versus true compassion.

Bottom line? The more you can attend to yourself, the more love and compassion you will have to serve.

In reference to attending my leadership training, a client said to me, “Can’t be selfish at this time in my life.”

He’s in his mid-thirties and has been miserable for years. Not happy in his marriage, not happy as a father, not happy in his job. The guy is in a ton of pain. Recently, he had some big breakthroughs and started to get honest, admit everything above, and begin the work toward a different life.

My client’s statement is not new and one I know well. I remember when I first started working on myself–going to therapy, evolving and growing. I was going through a ton of intense shit and no one in my family and none of my old friends understood or could relate. The label they gave me? Selfish and self-absorbed.

There was even bitterness in their voice. Many said it to my face with an extremely judgmental tone.

Wow. Here I was finally taking a look at my habitual, neurotic patterns that caused me, and others a ton of suffering, that might just make me a better person, and I received zero support or validation. Ouch. It was a painful time. For a lot of you, this attitude is what you are up against.

So, I want to settle this once and for all with you confused men out there that think to work on yourself is selfish and that that is somehow a bad thing. It’s understandable why you might be confused because in our culture, we get conflicting messages about what it means to be selfish.

On the one hand, there is permissible selfishness. If you are on a plane and it is going down, you are supposed to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before your child. You can’t save someone’s life if you don’t save yourself first.

On the other hand if you rush to the front of the line, you are selfish. If you talk about yourself a lot, you are selfish. If you don’t give to charity, you are selfish. If you spend money on yourself, you are selfish.

It seems what’s valued in this culture is acting “selfless” and hiding your selfishness, even though you can be selfish much of the time. In other words, you put on your mask in social situations by being a do-gooder.

For example you might put others first, even though deep down you don’t want to put someone else first. Maybe you are judging them, irritated by them, and in your heart, you may not really care that much about them. But you put on your happy face and act polite.

My client’s attitude is not uncommon. He believes that by helping his family and co-workers (most of which he said he didn’t like) while ignoring his own needs, everything will be okay.  For example, he believed he should spend no money on himself and direct it all to his family.

Some 12-step recovery programs can have a similar attitude. The saying goes that if you are feeling shitty, just help someone else and it will help you feel better about yourself. But ask yourself if you are drowning, do you want another person who’s drowning to be helping you?

The irony here is that once your basic needs are met, the more you can spend money on yourself (I’m not talking about superficial “stuff” like fancy shoes or a new car) such as your personal and professional development as a man, the more you will be available, open, and generous in other areas of your life.

There are a few ways to look at this. Let’s come at it from 2 different angles.

The conventional, mainstream view

The conventional, mainstream view is that working on yourself is selfish. Okay, so freakin’ what? Who cares? My response to this attitude? This is what I found myself saying a few years back and trying to convince my family and friends that I was doing the right thing…

“Good. It’s about time I started giving a shit about my own happiness. If I can figure that out, perhaps I’ll be much more pleasant to be around and perhaps more effective in helping others.

You say I’m a selfish SOB because I want to work through my blocks? I’m selfish because I finally am taking a look at some unfinished business in my life that I’ve suppressed, stuffed, and avoided? I’m selfish because I know that if I work on me, I’ll be a better man, lover, and friend? Great, call me selfish then.”

In this case I had to react, push back, and rebel against someone’s else’s view of me being selfish. At the time, it felt good.

The new view–redefine the term selfish

So, in the grand scheme of things, if you honor yourself, who cares what someone else labels you? Who cares if they call you a self-centered pig? If you know in your heart, you are doing your best to be the person that you know you are capable of being that is to be celebrated!

So, practice redefining what it means to be selfish. The new view is that by turning your attention inward and liberating yourself, you can liberate others. By loving yourself fully, you can love others. By attending to the garden of your own life in an ongoing way, you can give the fruits of your hard labor away for all to relish in. By judging yourself less, you will become less judgmental toward others. And on and on. To know this is to be free of another person’s judgments about how and where you spend your time, money, and energy.

But how to I put myself first if no one supports me doing it?

• Redefine selfishness as stated above.
• Begin to notice and evaluate all the ways you abandon yourself and what you want because you have some idea that you are “putting others first.” Pay attention to resentments you might have as a result.
• Have the balls to tell your loved ones why it is paramount you put more stake in YOU.
• In other words, take full responsibility for your life and put you FIRST. Go after what you want.
• Give yourself permission to take good care of yourself and be kind to yourself first and foremost.
• Consider that the more you put yourself first, the more happy and fulfilled you will become.
• Read the next post on Idiot Compassion versus True Compassion (coming in a few days).

The good news about my client? He’s more on track than ever to putting himself first and negotiating that with his family.  What about you?

Wave by Lee Fenyves

Here’s a great short story to remind you of who you are.

In the early days of the Meiji era there lived a well-known wrestler called O-nami, Great Waves.

O-nami was immensely strong and knew the art of wrestling. In his private bouts he defeated even his teacher, but in public he was so bashful that his own pupils threw him.

O-nami felt he should go to a Zen master for help. Hakuju, a wandering teacher, was stopping in a little temple nearby, so O-nami went to see him and told him of his trouble.

“Great Waves is your name,” the teacher advised, “so stay in this temple tonight. Imagine that you are those billows. You are no longer a wrestler who is afraid. You are those huge waves sweeping everything before them, swallowing all in their path. Do this and you will be the greatest wrestler in the land.”

The teacher retired. O-nami sat in meditation trying to imagine himself as waves. He thought of many different things. Then gradually he turned more and more to the feeling of the waves. As the night advanced the waves became larger and larger. They swept away the flowers in their vases. Even the Buddha in the shrine was inundated. Before dawn the temple was nothing but the ebb and flow of an immense sea.

In the morning the teacher found O-nami meditating, a faint smile on his face. He patted the wrestler’s shoulder. “Now nothing can disturb you,” he said. “You are those waves. You will sweep everything before you.”

The same day O-nami entered the wrestling contests and won. After that, no one in Japan was able to defeat him.

Notice the ways in which you are different in private versus social settings. Do you excel in isolation and struggle to bring your gifts and magic into the public sphere? If so, what are you going to do about it?

At perhaps no other time in history are you needed. Seriously.  Chew, digest, share. If not a Tsunami, then what metaphor are you identified with?

This Koan comes from a great Zen Koan site. Check it out here.

Ever feel stuck, alone, unsupported and lacking follow through? Do you still think doing it all by yourself is working?

Well, now might be a good time to get off the couch and start a men’s group. A wha..???

Listen to the New Man Podcast for a fun conversation with Tripp Lanier and me about what a men’s group is and how it might serve you. Click here to listen.

Until now, there has been no up-to-date “how to” guide to help you get a group going. I can’t tell you how many emails I get asking about how to get a men’s group going and what to do. To meet the need, Tripp and I have been working for the past few months and have produced what we think is a powerful product– “How To Start and Lead a Men’s Group.”

In my own life, a men’s group has saved my ass and helped me step up my game in all areas of my life. Having a group of men that have my back has been critical to my own success and fulfillment. More on the value of a men’s group here.

The great thing about a men’s group is that it is basically free. Once you get a group going, it can be free accountability and support for the rest of your life, seriously.

Just follow this link to explore more about how a men’s group can help you.

If you would rather have a group facilitated for you or you want hands on support, feel free to sign up for my leadership training here or get a few guys together and fly me out to your city or town and we can set up a weekend intensive as I did in Chicago recently.

Despite what you father did or told you, there is no need to go it alone anymore. Or, continue to go it alone and see what kind of results you get compared to other men who are getting an accountability, challenge, and support. Observe and take note.

“Are You Ready to Go Through a 6-Month Training with 16 other Evolving Guys that will Dump Fertilizer on the Emerging Powerhouse within You so That You can Crush Obstacles, Serve other People, Live Your Purpose and Feel Psyched to Be Alive?”

To sign up, click here. Hurry, you save $500 if you get your application in by November 1st at midnight.

The purpose of this training is 6 fold:

1. Initiation: That’s right. First and foremost this is an initiation into becoming the man you are capable of being through powerful personal development and psychology tools.
2. Develop Yourself: Help you commit more fully and more fearlessly to your own personal path/journey and take an honest look at what’s in the way.
3. Leadership: As the world around you gets more uncertain, this training is designed to give you tools to adapt, overcome and improvise. It will teach you how to respond (not react) to life’s challenges and help others do the same. You will be the man that takes people to higher ground in difficult times.
4. Community & Relationships: Provide a tribe (a community of men) where you can get feedback, challenge, support and accountability. We are much more powerful together than we are alone.
5. Service: Remind you of your innate ability to help others and give you practical tools to do so.
6. Celebrate, party and have a great time.

Click here for more details and to sign up!

Yup. I’m at my edge and I’m scared…

What’s going on? Well, I just announced the second Revolutionary Man Leadership Training and I feel like i just jumped off a cliff to my demise. But, I’m still falling and I’m unclear as to whether the chute will open…..Hmmmm….

Whenever I put some new vision out there I am putting ME out there. Right now, I am expanding. Into what? Into the next version of me of course. I am well outside my comfort zone in this moment. I’m in unknown territory. The landscape is new and uncertain.

Think of it this way and see if you can relate.

I’m deep into the wilderness, alone. Backpack on, compass in hand and a rough map of the terrain. No trail in sight. I’m bushwhacking into the unknown.

After a while I begin to feel scared. I want to find the trail that everybody walks. I want to go back to the known path. I want the freakin’ map dammit! (the self doubt intensifies) Maybe I’ll just head for the parking lot, get in my car and bail on the whole plan. Yeah,… just head home, settle down with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and a good movie. Who needs this adventure crap?

Ever feel this way?

But no, I can’t turn back now. It’s too late. I’m too bold. I believe in something far more important than my fear. There’s no need to run back to home, to the known world. It’s choiceless to turn back. (Reminds me of the Napoleon story of landing on enemy ground and burning the ships).

Who am I again? And why am I headed toward the unknown?

Oh yeah, I’m an adventurer. I’m a trailblazer. I’m an explorer and the open road is my home. Being at my edge, scared shitless, following my heart, and not knowing what’s next.

Damn, it feels good to be alive.

But I’m scared.

So what? Be with the fear. Remember, to be scared is to be human. No need to take it so seriously. Now, remember why I am here and what I believe in.

Right.

Oh yeah, the two steps:

1. Just open to my fear and to my self doubt. Acknowledge it, be with it, breathe and then…

2. Get my head back in the game. Back toward what matters. Back to MY vision.

What am I scared of? Failure of course. I’m scared to fail. What’s the worst thing that could happen? I fail–no one signs up for my training.  B.F.D. as my friend Dave used to say, so freakin’ what?

The point is I am out on a limb with a training I believe in. Something I’m so passionate about I’d die for it. That’s right. Win or lose, fail or succeed, the very act of putting my heart’s vision out there feels awesome!

I teach men all the time about fear. Once again in my life I am being asked to walk the talk. I accept. Time to re-commit.

I commit to following my heart, no matter the cost. And I commit to staying connected to my heart. I vow to live with an open heart even if it hurts. (Read more here) (This is Commitment 10 of the 10 Commitments).

What about you?

I hope this serves to remind you to “be with” your fear, burn the map, stand tall, trust yourself, say “YES” to the unknown, and keep your compass bearing toward your heart’s vision.

Go for it.