It’s not everyday that you can make a big decision like this to move your life forward and help others at the same time. Believe it or not, you are needed.

Please do everyone a favor and take a small step forward today toward your dreams and help a brother while doing so. Life might start to take on a whole new meaning!

The other day I sent out a call for feedback for men everywhere (Stay tuned…). My request was for one sentence from anyone and everyone. Interesting that several women completely disregarded the “one sentence” rule and just went for it.

Here is one poignant example from my friend Nomali who wrote to us men exquisitely. She came up with her own introduction to it. I have not edited a thing and have received her permission to post it. I was deeply inspired upon reading her note and feel as though it may serve you. Thank you Nomali!

Notice yourself as you read this. Are you skeptical? Do you allow her words to penetrate you? Do you contract because of you are afraid to let her in? Does the spiritual tone sound too much for you? Or are you grateful for a woman that shares her vulnerability with you? What would it feel like for a woman to actually speak to you in this manner?

If you are a man hungry for more in intimacy and relationship, let this be a love letter beckoning you to show up and go deeper.

Painting My Lover: Men – Women – Me – You – Who?

by Nomali Perera

Crazy-ass long mad thing I suddenly found myself writing after I saw a posting by Jayson Gaddis of “Revolutionary Man” (What Is Your Constructive Feedback For MEN? – http://tinyurl.com/yh46lyj). This is waaaaay too long for what Jayson Gaddis is looking for. I mostly just found myself writing more about myself than men and so, this is just my note. And please know that this is MY letter. I am not speaking for other women. I am also not directing this at any one man. And sometimes I am guilty of what I complain about. I know it and am honest about it. Why did I really have all this gushing out of me? I have no idea. Maybe just because I am a woman. And sometimes, I just shamelessly gush.

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Men and Women: This is your chance to give us men some honest feedback. Where do we need to improve? What do you want to see more of? Less of?

This is part one of a three-step project I’m cranking out. Don’t worry, this is not meant to just focus on the negative with men. Quite the contrary. However, we need a real-time assessment from everyday people like you. I want a baseline and some collective input from as many men and women as possible.

I only need one statement from you.

I realize I’m asking you to generalize, and it will be most helpful if you think of yourself (if you are a man) or the men in your lives. We men might actually benefit from it.

If you are down to help out, keep reading.

Let’s look at the current sociological landscape of masculinity by quickly reviewing what some experts say.

If you watched the Superbowl this year, you saw the barrage of lame-ass ads directed toward men. Here is a great commentary on them by Mark Morford of SFGate called Ode to the Whipped White Male.

The trend seems to be building about the utter confusion men find themselves in today. Although men are still largely in power, women are outpacing men in the workforce for the first time ever. Women’s empowerment programs are all over the world and are having a significant impact.

What about boys and men?

According to Raising Cain, a PBS documentary, “America’s boys are in trouble. They are the most violent in the industrialized world. Many are unable to express their emotions. On average, boys are doing worse in the classroom than they were 10 years ago.”

Once they become “adults” young men stay adrift longer, putting off growing up as long as humanly possible. This group becomes trapped in Guyland. As of early 2010, one in five men were unemployed. Most conventional mainstream guys are confused, lost, depressed, or putting on a show and pretending to be happy. I have written about this a bit in a previous post “Why men are boys and what can be done about it.”

So then, what about men’s empowerment programs? Can’t they help? Well, uh…..um……yeah…..

While there are many high quality men’s programs out there including mine, it is still commonplace for men to subscribe to the old-school “go-it-alone” mentality. Not only that, but the conventional mainstream man pokes fun of men’s work and men’s empowerment programs calling them “gay,” “stupid,” “weak,” or “new agey,” which, in the end, reveals more about that man’s fears than about the programs themselves.

Even in a recent Daily Show parody, BetterMen.org was made fun of for men sitting around in a circle acting like “vagina-men.”

So, if a man “stays the course” he is screwed, and if he chooses to “man up” and do some work on himself, he is made fun of.

Alas, many men have found themselves in a collapsed stupor, driving their dodge charger as fast as possible to their man-cave, as Morford suggests, to play video games, watch sports, drink beer, and resent their wives and girlfriends. All the while they “pretend” everything is fine.

As a guy who has worn the conventional guy-land hat for years, I know the territory well. I walked in his shoes far past a mile, both sober and drunk, way too many times. I know the pain and I know the mask that covers it up.

Now, forget what others are saying, I want to hear from you!

Here’s how it works:

What is your personal experience of men? Think of the men in your life and look around. Your boss, your father? Your son? Co-workers, boyfriends, husbands, Ex-husbands? What pains you the most about yourself as a man, other men, or a man in your life?

What blind spots do you see men having? Where does society stand to benefit the most if these changes could be realized?

What matters here, is what you think of men. Forget the stats, what is your take? Where are us guys at right now? What is our problem? Please only focus on where we can improve.

What’s “right” about men is coming. Remember, this is part one of a big project I’m working on. I can hardly wait to share it! Stay tuned…

My goal is to get 100 responses from anyone and everyone about what you see as the big issues  men have today. I want brutal honesty!

I will create a video with the most common, most powerful responses and give you credit. This will then serve as our jumping off point to go further toward change, wholeness, and visioning a brighter future.

What I need from YOU!

Send me one statement with your feedback for men everywhere.

Women: Pretend you have every man’s full attention. You could say anything and they would completely listen and then make that change. If you could give us feedback in one statement about where we could grow, what is it? Make it personal. Think of the men you know in your life that need some honest feedback. Consider it an offering to them.

Men: Think of what you personally struggle with the most in your life and chances are you are far from alone. There are other men like you. Look at your circles. Think of your Dad, your brothers, your friends and colleagues?  Take a moment to acknowledge you are not perfect and even you could use a pep talk. Make it personal. Your feedback is service to your fellow man.

Other: If you don’t identify as man or woman, what do you think we need from your unique perspective?

Pick the absolute most important issue to you and write it here in one sentence by finishing this sentence…

My constructive feedback for MEN is….

Then leave your name (first and/or last), age, and home city.

You are welcome to submit a photo (of yourself or of men) for the video. The more personal it is, the more of an impact we can have.

Remember, keep it to one sentence only please!

Just reply to this post below, leave a comment below, or email me your feedbac: info@revolutionaryman.com

Here is a great question from one of my clients.

As many of you know, once you start engaging in personal development work, be it getting some coaching, going to therapy, or finding a spiritual path, many of your closest friends and family members might feel very uncomfortable with the “new you.”

Here’s a great example that some of you might appreciate, followed up with some useful tips.

Here’s my client’s question:

Last night I had dinner with my bro.  We got on the topic of “what the f*ck am I doing?” with all my time, going to spiritual talks etc.

My bro gave me a piece about, “You need to be clear with your friends what you’re doing since you are so out of touch, you need to be clear with Mom and Dad.  People need you/ want you back.  No one understands what is going on with you”.  I was patient for a while, and then I got angry and heated.  I started defending myself, fired up.

How have you dealt with friends and family who didn’t understand what you were doing during personal development work?  I offered my bro an answer from one of your blogs – “it may look selfish, but I’m trying to work on myself to be a better person”.  My bro said “what problems do you have – we were blessed growing up.  What are you angry about?  You shouldn’t be so angry.  Don’t feel bad”  Of course, this only stoked the flames even higher.

I’m feeling angry, pissed, locked up and helpless.  If you have any thoughts to share I’d appreciate.

So what is going on here?

This is a classic example of how other people are threatened by a man’s personal growth and evolution.

I remember this process vividly for myself. As I dove deep into my own personal development work and spiritual practice I heard comments like this: “We like the old Jay better than the new Jay.” or “Yeah bro, we were thinking about having an intervention with you,” as If I was an alcoholic or something.

In systems theory, when one aspect of any system changes, it disrupts the entire system or the homeostasis of the system.

As you change and evolve, the system, which is your old friends and family members, feels a threat and does it’s best to keep you in your old role. This happens largely unconsciously on their end. This can be one painful aspect of differentiating from your family.

If they were able to talk about it and had some skills, they might say things such as, “When you change and grow, I get scared because I no longer know how to be with you or relate to you.” or “When I can’t place you into the role I’ve always known you in, I feel threatened, scared, and uncomfortable.” or “I feel safe and secure knowing who I think you are and when you show me signs of something different, I feel very uncomfortable and I start to question myself.”

So, what to do?

Whether or not you understand them and their process is irrelevant.

You must make staying with yourself and your experience and much higher priority than getting their approval or having them understand you. It can be really tempting to try and change them or make them get it. But chances are they will never get it, or get you.

(Talk to gay men and women. Generally speaking, they know this landscape well. Specifically reach out to fearless gay people who have already faced the gauntlet of judgments/ridicule from others in their coming out process).

Here are a few pointers.

1.  Let go. Let go of wanting them to understand you and accept that they won’t. If you get lucky and they do, celebrate it.

2.  Feel your Feelings. Feel what arises in you around your family/friends not understanding or getting you. There may be a lot of anger, resentment, or deep grief and loss knowing that those whom love you the most understand and support you the least.

3.  Feel part 2. Feel your aloneness and the pain around that.

4.  Notice your need. Notice the part of you that still wants to be liked and accepted. Meet that need yourself and stop looking outside yourself for validation.

5.  Get a new community. Surround yourself with folks that do see you, understand you, and support your evolution. If I wanted to stay in the old me, I would hang around old friends that continue to box me in to who I used to be. If however, I want to grow, I must find folks who are growing also. Get a badass men’s group going.

6.  Set a boundary. Take some space away from those old friends/family members while you sort things out. Be direct with them and let them  know you are going away for a while. Do this as consciously as possible. If you need to stop returning phone calls because it feels too hard, give yourself permission to do that for while until you get clear on how to communicate with them.

7.  Make a request. If you family/friends blame you or tell you “Don’t feel angry etc…” request that they not tell you how to feel. In the above example, my client’s brother was very invalidating. Hear him out, then make a request.

8.  Be direct and tell them how you feel. Stay with yourself without judging them. For example, my client could say, “I’m feeling angry, pissed, locked up and helpless. I feel completely unseen and unsupported by you right now.”

9.  Set another boundary. If your family/friends continue to invalidate you because they lack the skills to dive into what is really going on for them, let them know that you are no longer willing to be spoken to that way and you need a break from the relationship for a while. Put a timeframe on it.

10. Own your shame. If you feel shame or embarrassed by your new growth kick, own that. It’s normal. Know that there is also a part of you that doesn’t want you to grow or change. Stay in relationship with that part of yourself.

11. Be fearless. If all else fails, be true to yourself and your path. F*ck everyone else. It’s time to stop giving a shit what others think of you. We don’t have time to “convince” anyone of what we are up to.

When you work on yourself in a genuine way, plan on pissing others off. Plan on losing friends. Plan on the worst. And, if you get support, welcome it.

Roll up your sleeves and change anyway. Continue to be fearless and follow what you know will serve you and the greater good.

See also Isn’t personal growth just selfish?

We just concluded the first weekend of the Revolutionary Man Leadership Training. Wow, what a ride. And, it’s only the beginning. Remember, these men, now a tribe, will be “in the soup” together for six months! Two more weekends in Boulder and a lot of time processing and expanding in-between.

I personally had an amazing time. I laughed, I cried, I raged, danced, screamed, connected, listened, facilitated, and led. Together, we rocked it and fearlessly explored unknown territory.

Thirteen brave, badass participants and 11 staff (and guest staff!) all helped to create this very, very powerful experience. We went inward this first weekend. We dug deep into the first pillar of revolutionary manhood—self-knowledge.

For six months this circle of men will challenge each other, help each other gain clarity, give no bullshit feedback, hold one another accountable, and support one another.

These men now have each other’s back. Do you have a group of men like this in your life? If not, what are you going to do about it?

Notice as you watch these testimonials what happens for you.

Check ‘em out.

Ask yourself what are you doing to expand in 2010? What kind of accountability and support do you have?

I have some good news and some bad news.

The good news?

A major film has been made about men’s groups. It’s called, quite simply, Men’s Group. You can watch the trailer below.

The fact that an actual big screen movie was made to document the power of a men’s group is pretty freakin’ cool.

Moreover, the movie’s  characters are compelling. In my view the men in the film represent a large majority of men who are shut down and scared of true male connection.

The bad news?

It is a good example of how NOT to run a men’s group. If any man sees this expecting that this is how to run a men’s group, you are terribly mistaken.

This is somewhat tragic. If I were a guy out there who was a little scared of joining a men’s cirlce, this movie would close the deal as a “no way” for me.

Bad leadership, resistant participants, major withholds, zero accountability, hurtful feedback and an overall unsafe container with no trust is how this group is run.

All of that said, the movie is quite riveting.

Make sure you watch Paul Whyte below, the man who was the inspiration for this movie, as he  says this about the movie, “Men’s Group is my list of what you don’t do in a Men’s group.” (At 2:17 if you want to fast forward to hear him). Ha, ha. I’m glad he said that.

Paul, clearly knows what it takes to run a good men’s circle. My friend Warwick Marsh with http://fatherhood.org.au/ and the man who runs the International Men’s Day website, said that the director of the movie took Paul’s idea and ran with it to make it a good movie.

Who knows, some men’s groups out there might a be very boring movie. I’m certain that my men’s group would be a powerful movie that would serve men everywhere. What about yours?

While this movie is a great drama and shows the shadow (dark side) of men and their fear of intimacy, it is definitely not the way to run your men’s circle. For that reason alone, it is absolutely worth watching.

You can purchase it here.

Consider the quote below and test it against your own experience.

When you are judging another person, is it coming from fear? What about when you think you are better than someone else? And how can you really know when you are afraid and what is it like to own up to that fact?

Leave a comment about what you find…

“ There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life. ”

–John Lennon

How can the most successful, famous, money-winning golfer in history be such a mess when it comes to his personal life?

Easy.

He, like you and me, is human. And it just goes to demonstrate that you can have all the money in the world and be famous beyond belief and still have many, many issues that you would rather no one know about. Tiger Woods having one or more affairs behind his wife’s back is no surprise.

From John Edwards to Martin Luther King Jr, no one is above relationship challenges.  No one is above the human condition. That’s the good news for all you men out there who think you can act perfect and hide your issues.

If you are in a long term relationship or married, you realize that challenge is simply part of the terrain. You also realize that if you want a dynamic relationship, you must face the challenges and invite change. If you have kids you know that challenges increase and change is even more inevitable. Any new father knows that life becomes radically different when a child enters the equation.

As a new Dad, I personally have faced some big challenges such as sleepless nights, money issues, and the onslaught of soiled diapers. But as a new parent, the biggest of challenges have come in my relationship with myself and with my wife.

My wife and I work very hard on our relationship and are committed to evolving and growing. Our marriage vows serve our individual needs and aspirations toward this unfolding process. Why? So, we don’t slip into a comfortable, mediocre, business relationship where we just co-parent and act like roommates.

The roommate trap

While I doubt Tiger Woods fell into being “roommates” with his partner due to his rigorous schedule, I’m sure they fell into some dynamic that allowed both of them to avoid their connection and whatever was “in the way” of them getting real and getting honest.

Men who do not attend rigorously to their marriage will eventually settle into a complacent relationship wherein both parties stop growing and agree to play it safe.

Add a new kid into the family, and the temptation to put your relationship on the back-burner steadily grows. A new child is very demanding and needs full attention from one or both parents. But to use my kid as the reason I am not close with my wife is a cop out. If a couple continues to use this excuse, the gap between them will continue to widen.

I recently read a great article in the New York Times about a couple, with two young kids, who finally decided after nine years of “good” marriage to deepen and make it better by going to therapy and workshops. The wife had sensed much more was possible. The husband was pretty ambivalent at first but went along with it.

In their “good” relationship, the husband focused all his attention on becoming a master chef at home, spending hours and hours in the kitchen while the wife tended to the bills and kids. They didn’t outwardly agree to this, it just happened over time. As the husband got honest, he realized cooking was his way to avoid his wife, their intimacy, and his own discomfort in the marriage. She discovered she was avoiding also by attending to her “role.”

They also discovered that the way they related was serving a function– their sarcasm with one another was “protecting uncomfortable feelings” and stifling their intimacy.

It seems commonplace that over time, new parents unconsciously and quietly agree to be co-parents, pals, and roomies, thus staving off any juicy intimacy that might be possible otherwise. The classic example that is still quite common is that Dad settles into “worker, provider guy” and Mom settles into stay-at-home-Mom.

Within and beyond your roles, how good is your marriage really? Ask yourself what kind of long-term partnership do you want? If you are honest with yourself, are you going as deep as you could go? Have you ever fully revealed yourself to your partner? How much do you hold back in the bedroom? Are you using your new child(ren) as a way to avoid your wife and avoid deepening with her?

Is Cheating Inevitable?

What really happens to the intimacy when a new kid arrives? Is cheating common? What is it that really makes a man cheat on his wife? What is really going on here? If blame can’t be placed on the new child, then who is responsible?

Just the other day, I went to a friend’s place to help him and his wife dialogue about their struggling marriage. Their child is 3 and they continue to have big relationship challenges. My friends are choosing the seemingly steep climb to greater depth and connection. Honest couples get honest about what is going on and work with it. This takes tremendous courage and a willingness to tell the truth. Most couples avoid, avoid, avoid.

I work with many men who have cheated, some openly, others secretly. Most have huge shame and carry enormous guilt about it, even while continuing to do it.

First, try it on that cheating is always a symptom of something going on underneath the surface.

According to Gary Neuman who wrote The Truth About Cheating, “cheating rarely has anything to do with the woman being unattractive.” In fact, according to Gary Neuman 88% of the men he interviewed for his book said that the other woman “wasn’t better looking or in better shape than their wives.”

I mention this because a lot of men might initially place blame on their wife. She isn’t X enough or she’s so Y.

So, what is cheating?

Wikipedia defines Cheating as

“an act of lying, deception, fraud, trickery, imposture, or imposition. Cheating characteristically is employed to create an unfair advantage, usually in one’s own interest, and often at the expense of others,[1]”

In the case of a marriage or monogamous relationship, cheating is leaking your energy elsewhere. A lot of men will justify “leaky” behavior as “I’m just flirting.” or “I didn’t sleep with her, so it’s fine.” But you have to be really, really honest with yourself.

Cheating can be emotional, energetic, or physical.

For example, years ago I had an emotional affair with another woman. At the time it felt innocent and like it was no big deal. And when my girlfriend at the time sniffed it out, I tried to downplay it and move on. Later after receiving some hard feedback from trusted men in my men’s group and a gifted therapist, I owned up to the fact that I had in fact crossed a line and betrayed her.

I discovered that I was angry at my girlfriend and felt judged by her. So, by having an emotional affair and leaking with this other woman, I could indirectly say “fuck you” to my girlfriend because deep down I was hurt.

So, an emotional affair is where you might lean on another woman for support to discuss your relationship challenges. Women often seem safer than men to discuss relationship stuff. Men often go to a female co-worker or friend to vent (another great reason to have solid man friends and a men’s group).

A physical affair is quite obvious and involves physical contact with another woman where there is some sexual charge. Kissing, intercourse, oral sex, long leaky hugs, etc.

An energetic affair can be where you fish for flirting situations. You leak out your interest or see if another woman is interested just passing by at the airport, coffee shop, or bar. You might even use the internet to leak out your sexual energy by cruising someone’s facebook profile or surfing porn.  An online or in-person energetic affair can eventually lead to an emotional or physical affair.

Now, this is not to say a guy doesn’t “look” and can’t “look.” But to me that is different. It’s all in your intention and where your awareness is going. If you have a solid relationship, then any kind of “checking someone out” is going to be a lot less harmful or threatening. But if your relationship is built upon a shaky foundation, any instance where you leak your sexual energy out is an invitation for a fight and hurt feelings.

According to Neuman’s research:

• 1 in 2.7 men will cheat, and most of their wives will never find about it.
• 92% of men say that affairs aren’t primarily about sex.

Yikes! But why?

Why do Guys Cheat?

According to marriage counselor Gary Neuman, men cheat because of:

• Loneliness in their relationship or marriage.
• Affirmation from “the other women.”
• Not enough attention at home.

I would add that new Dads might cheat because of:

• Fear. Fear of intimacy, fear of failure, fear of being seen, fear of being hurt. Fear of hurting your partner.
• Anger. Unowned, unexpressed anger about some issue in the relationship
• Disconnection. Feeling no or little connection.
• Irritability with oneself and one’s situation
• Sexually frustrated. Perhaps your wife doesn’t find you attractive or refuses to have sex with you. Pretty soon, you might start looking elsewhere instead of dealing with the issue.
• Feeling left out. Some new dads report feeling “left out” because Mom and newborn are bonding so much. Dad starts to feel ignored and neglected.

Sadly Neuman says that “The number one reason men cheat is that there’s an emotional disconnection in the relationship. Husbands or partners feel underappreciated, and report a lack of thoughtful gestures. They’re lonely in their marriage.”

Here’s the deal. If you are unhappy in your marriage or your relationship, get off your ass and do something about it. If you are “underappreciated” or “disconnected” then get connected, get in the game. Stop waiting for your wife or partner to make the first move. Stop complaining and playing the victim. Take full responsibility today or you might end up with your tail between your legs like Tiger.

The only reason I have ever cheated on any girlfriend or had “emotional affairs,” was because something was “off” in the relationship and in myself and I was unwilling (and scared shitless) to address it.

The issue is quite simple. There is a relationship challenge or obstacle, and guys who cheat don’t want to address it, face it, or confront it. They would rather emotionally and physically “exit” the relationship. They “leak” energy outside the monogamous relationship.

So, why did Tiger Woods cheat?

It’s anybody’s guess, but in my eyes, he was obviously scared to address some issues before things got out of hand.

To me cheating is not the issue. Remember it’s a symptom. What set this behavior off? What was it that Tiger was feeling, experiencing, and wanting that he did not speak to? What was he so afraid of?

Tiger still has a real opportunity to “teach” his new children about love and about the challenges of relationship. But sadly, I don’t trust him to do that. He doesn’t have to. He can just keep playing golf, making great cash and people will likely forgive him. But most of us are not Tiger.

It’s time for men to Man Up

Remember this is not about staying together or acting “good.” Religious approaches to staying married simply don’t work. This is about getting real and being willing to tell the truth, no matter how painful to yourself first, then your partner.

When I work with couples, it is often the woman who drags the man into counseling or relationship coaching. This is sad but generally true. Why? Dudes don’t want to admit that they struggle or that something is wrong.

How could such a champion be so incompetent in relationship? Well, relationship is a lot more challenging for Tiger than golf. It is humbling for us to see such a champion brought to his knees and reveal his inadequacies and shame. Remember, he’s human like you and me.

I doubt Tiger will make a vow to be as good at relationship as he is at golf. But you can. If you still have something to learn about relationship and intimacy, practice being a student, take some classes, get some coaching and learn.

It is possible to have an amazing marriage and relationship. It took my wife and I about four years of intense counseling, coaching, mentoring to get to a place of profound intimacy. We hit a plateau and now we both want to go further. So, we are diving in and being students again, learning, opening, and making space for the magic of our connection to penetrate us both.

Relationship is an ever changing sea of chaos, uncertainty, love, pain, loss, and intensity. That is, if you engage it fully.

What to do?

So, if you are in a struggling or challenging marriage or relationship and you genuinely want it to be different, do something about it. Or, if you are in a good marriage, but know there can be more spark, more juicy sex, more profound love, get off the couch and take full responsibility for going after what you want.  Don’t pretend like you have your marriage handled if you don’t.

• Stay focused on your own growth and change. Do your own individual work. If your partner won’t agree to seek help, just work on accepting that and work to change yourself. Don’t get sucked into trying to fix your partner.
• Get professional help. I mean really good professional help. There are so many crappy relationship therapists, counselors, and coaches out there. Find one you instantly trust and feel safe with. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to ask for help.
• Get feedback from trusted friends and your men’s group. I’m not talking about friends who give lame advice. I’m talking about friends who have no agenda for you, save you being true and honest with yourself.
• If your relationship is going well, celebrate it–regularly!!
• If you divorce or leave the relationship please know and understand that your issues will follow you. You will find yourself in a similar situation unless YOU change. Try it on that you are the person with the relationship issue. That’s the good news. Knowing this gives you the freedom to do something about it.

Michael Murray of Ride with a Purpose

This is the first in a series of “guest posts” RM will be sharing. If you have an important story or experience that may benefit other men, ping me and I’ll consider posting it for all to read.

This post is written by my friend Michael. He posted it on his Facebook profile as a “note.” It caught my attention because he really puts himself out there and I think you can learn from how he worked with his “shut down.”

I’ve known Michael for over 2 years now. In 2007, I was facilitating the Red Pill weekend with Ray Brejcha, Bryan Bayer and the crew.

On day two of the workshop, Michael looked as though he had been hit by a truck and just come out of a long trance he had been in. With tears streaming down his face, he now saw what was now possible for him. It was an unforgettable moment.

And now 2 years later, the guy is blasting with life force and really going for it in his life.

Really notice how he observes himself and the tools and resources he utilizes in the below post.

And please……..Do try this at home and read a related post on how to feel your feelings.

Here’s Michael’s post…

Can feeling too much shut you down?

It can for me.

But lately the recovery-time for me to notice this about myself, and the steps I take to get back into the moment, seem shorter – the lack of feeling is now much more temporary and fleeting, compared to my past.

What gets me there? What brings me to this place of non-feeling?

Fear, likely. Fear of feeling.

But when I step into the fear, notice it, accept it, embrace it – it has much less of a hold on me. It’s just a state of being, and a very temporary one at that.

When I avoid feeling, I loose out on so much. By not feeling the bad, I also prevent feeling the good.

Post-holiday blues got the best of me this weekend. Part of the reason for my shutting down. I had a great Thanksgiving day with close friends, filled with love, delicious food, wine, dancing, deep conversations about life – mixed in with some drama, some sexiness, and some play. All good.

And now, days later, in spite of all the good, I found myself missing my family back east. Although those conversations lack the depth that I crave, my family is filled with love and New England traditions – quirkiness and distance, but ultimately filled with love. I am fortunate.

More emotions surfacing.

Over the past two nights I declined offers to go out and be social, and instead watched the Netflix movies that were delivered from my que. Two amazing movies; “Lucía y el Sexo” (Sex and Lucia), the sexiest movie I’ve ever seen, and “The Notebook”, where this tough-guy, motorcycle dude, couldn’t hold back my tears.

More emotions building, still.

And as I avoided feeling my emotions around this weekend, I found myself becoming reclusive – the masculine need to retreat to his cave, or so dictated by my non-feeling automatic response.

I enjoyed a 2-hour motorcycle ride with a good friend. And although the ride brings with it a unique kind of camaraderie, ultimately I’m alone in my thoughts inside my helmet.

Feelings and emotions are now running rampant, fully internalized, not at all expressed.

This shuts me down further.

The next morning (today) I notice how I’m not feeling anything. I see how my FB posts are quick and empty – wanting to connect with others but not able to from this distant place. My heart is closed, although I’m filled with love, the expression of that love is not transmitted through my words, when I’m not connected to myself.

I read FB posts from friends who are expressing themselves authentically – good, bad, or otherwise, they are expressing themselves with honesty and writing from a place of what is true for them. I start to get it. Good, bad, or otherwise, this is me. I may be shut-down, but I’m still me. This is my truth in this moment.

I take action to embrace the feelings from within. First, I take a solo motorcycle ride with the purpose of connecting myself to my environment – it’s zen-like for me and can be very powerful.

Afterwards I go to the gym, to connect my mind with my body.

And after the mind-body reconnection, I sit on my sofa in silence, to further connect myself to me.

I sat in the silence for a while with little happening internally. I sat a bit longer and my mind eventually became quite. In the stillness I felt safe to allow my emotions to be free. Tears formed and rolled down my cheeks. I began to cry. Tears of joy, sadness, anger, love, happiness, and fear all mixed into one big jumbled mess of emotions. I loved it. I laughed. I cried more. I laughed more. My tears lasted no more than a few moments, but what was expressed so purely and honestly allowed my heart to open so expansively, I felt my mind and body and spirit fill the room wall-to-wall in complete openness. FUCK YEAH! I’m BACK!

I’m not sure where I go when I become so internalized that I can’t feel or express anything. But what I do know is that it’s a dark and lonely place. I also know that I remain in that place by choice. Different from years past, I now have the knowledge, the resources, the courage and the support to feel whatever it is I’m feeling, and I can be completely okay with that… including all the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I got myself out of that place today, but not without the reminders from my friends who continue to show me how the simplicity of being in the moment, and being in integrity of all that I am, can have the powerful effect of just being.

Just BE. How perfectly simple.

Thank you my friends. Thank you for all the reminders of the simplicity of just being.

Much love to you all.

- Michael

“Michael Murray is Founder of Ride with a Purpose, an organization dedicated to helping men realize and pursue their passions, while balancing the challenges of relationships, career, money, and spiritual growth.

A strong proponent of men’s work, Michael is also Course Director for the Authentic Man “Red Pill” workshop in Boulder Colorado, and he regularly attends his own men’s group. Michael will be assisting in the RMLT for the second year in a row.

Michael’s latest projects include a weekend Leadership Training adventure in Moab Utah, and he’s currently creating an online course on the subject of “Finding Your Purpose”.

I don’t know about you, but I personally can’t freakin’ wait to go on an all dudes motorcycle ride where we get real, ride, and talk about what is really going on. Oh wait, I don’t know how to ride a motorcycle…

In my last post we explored the concept of selfishness as it pertains to personal growth. To take the conversation a step further, we have to talk about service. Why? Because if you really want to talk about not being selfish, then a conversation about being self-less needs to happen.

But what is selflessness? What does that really mean? And how do I know when I am being selfish versus selfless?

I’m here to assert that by being “selfish” you can be genuinely selfless.

Selflessness, or serving and helping others, is one of the core pillars of being a revolutionary man. To live is to serve. If you want to be the kind of man leaves his mark, consider making service a central part of who you are and how you spend your time.

Conventional Service & Service Materialism

How is it that service is so often taught as “scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours?” In our modern, western culture, service seems to be fairly conditional. I’ll help you, but I expect something in return. I’ll give you my $20 million, but I want the stadium named after me.

Not only that, but service in many circles overtly excludes and discriminates against people. WTF?

For example, some religions teach that if you serve “correctly” and according to God’s will, going to heaven one day will be your reward. So rather than serve because it genuinely comes through me, I serve so that I can get the carrot– heaven.

Some groups will even teach their followers to only help certain groups of people while discriminating against others (people of color, gays, women). Hmmm. Seems fishy to me.

These examples are what I call service materialism—serving in hopes of material reward and discrimination cloaked in the name of service. Essentially, service materialism is when you use service as a way to confirm yourself or get what you want for your own benefit.

Idiot Compassion

Another term for this kind of behavior is “idiot compassion.” In a conventional sense, acting selfless gives you accolades and confirmation from friends, coworkers and colleagues. But remember, acting selfless doesn’t mean that you are selfless. Tibetan Buddhist master Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche called acting nice and kind “idiot compassion.”

Rinpoche defined Idiot compassion as “a slimy way of trying to fulfill your desire secretly.” Or as the karmayogini journal states, “It is when you give people what they want as opposed to what they need, all in the name of being nice and compassionate [so that you can feel better yourself].”

Idiot compassion then, has serious strings attached and is all about the givers own neurotic needs and desires.

However, for some of us, idiot compassion is the doorway to true compassion. I remember in my college fraternity we would do a philanthropy just to get the University, neighbors, and national office off our backs. But once we actually got in there and rolled up our sleeves with the elementary school kids, my heart would melt and I would have a blast genuinely serving the kids.

Genuine Service & True Compassion

Genuine service on the other hand, comes from your heart and there is no need to get anything in return, such as tithing, a trophy with your name on it, a back rub, or even a thank you. However, the irony is when we serve from an open, extended heart, we naturally get something in return.

Service is when I wake up in the middle of the night, five nights in a row, to hold or comfort my upset child. It just comes out of me. And I don’t need my wife, my son, or anyone to say “good job” or “hey thanks!”

Or, you might help a stranger with a dead battery jump their car without thinking about it or expecting anything. It’s just what you do.

True compassion doesn’t have preferences such as “I’ll help this person over here, but not over there.”  Service coming from true compassion transcends social, political or religious values and extends way beyond superficial or socio-economic barriers.

I’m painting the ideal, because in reality, we are all fairly preferential in the way we serve. For example, I can’t tell you how many times, I drove on by a stranded person with a broken down car as I sped past at 75 miles/hr, unwilling to stop because “I had to get somewhere.”

People often associate compassion with being nice or kind. Being nice doesn’t really go far enough if we look at true compassion. On the other hand, true compassion is responding to a situation once you have seen things as they are.  According to Rinpoche, “Love or compassion is the open path, is associated with ‘what is.’ In order to develop love–universal love, cosmic love, whatever you would like to call it–one must accept the whole situation of life as it is, both the light and the dark, the good and the bad.”

For me, that sums it up and when I can drop my agendas, be in the moment and respond from my heart, I know that I am serving from a genuine place.

Remember to consider making service a core pillar in your own life. The world needs more, conscious, bad ass, compassionate men out there. What if your life purpose was all about service to others?

Try making a commitment to living a life of service and see what you learn along the way.

For example,

I commit to living a life of service. I will value the people around me and cultivate both the intention and capacity to help them in ways that matter to them. I seek to understand idiot compassion versus true compassion.

Bottom line? The more you can attend to yourself, the more love and compassion you will have to serve.